EYEPATCHES OF POWER

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A running joke the boyfriend has with me is that he seems to think that I have some sort of… “fetish” (not necessarily sexual though!) for people with eyepatches. Like, yesterday I went on a website that had concept art for one of my favourite Street Fighter 4 characters, Juri. It features her new look for Street Fighter V and OH MY:juri

IS THAT AN EYEPATCH?! Well hot damn I’m totally playing as HER when she’s made available!

It’s not just her. Sagat from the same series has long been cyclopean, having lost his eye to Dan’s father, Go Hibiki, back before Street Fighter 1 even happened:

sagat

He’s also an impossibly badass Muay Thai fighter, and I love to play as him!

Carrying on with the fighting game theme, from Samurai Shodown (and also from historical feudal Japan) comes Yagyu Jubei:

jubei_4429

Two swords, eyepatch, a handsome older gentleman… and capable of killing you DEAD in the blink of an eye.

Just the one, mind.

Hailing from the same period of time but a different game (Samurai Warriors by Koei, and Sengoku Basara by Capcom) comes Date Masamune, the one-eyed dragon!

LEFT: Samurai Warriors; RIGHT: Sengoku Basara
LEFT: Samurai Warriors; RIGHT: Sengoku Basara

I’M SORRY IS THIS BADASS HOLDING SIX SWORDS SIMULTANEOUSLY? Why yes he is, because he’s yet another eyepatch-toting badass no matter WHAT game he appears in!

I can’t mention Koei without hovering over to Dynasty Warriors, where we have Xiahou Dun:

xiahou

He, much like Jubei and Masamune above, also is based on a real eyepatched badass from the Three Kingdoms era of ancient China. He was shot in the eye by Cao Xing, and rather than lay down and gently die as most of us would, he ripped out the arrow with the eye attached, ATE it, hunted down Cao Xing and killed him. He didn’t retire from battle after that either.

And there’s more! So many more characters with eyepatches that I end up loving:

Iron Bull!

Iron_Bull_Profile

 

Mature!mature

BIG. FUCKING. BOSS.

bigboss

General Beatrix!

Beatrix_Kampfpose

I mean dammit, a number of my WoW characters have eyepatches or blindfolds too:

rogue

lunchinew

 

It’s just a crazy coincidence, honest.

 

A Venture into the Ruins: A Darkest Dungeon Boss Fight

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darkest

Today, I am going to play some Darkest Dungeon, and I think I may share my experience with you, at least for one dungeon. Why? Well, it’s partly an opportunity to show off a really cool game, and partly because I may do Let’s Plays of games in the future, and why not start now?

Say hello to our adventuring party:

reynauld

Reynauld is a Crusader. He’s one of the characters you start the game with, and mine for some annoying reason is a Kleptomaniac, which means he just can’t resist auto-opening boxes of loot and keeping it all for himself.

Such actions end up hurting him more often than not, given that a lot of the locks he tries to bust are booby-trapped. Silly Reynauld.

montcanisi

Mont-Canisi is our Plague Doctor, and plague he certainly specialises in, as I give him abilities to poison and stun his opponents, forgoing any party support abilities altogether. He refuses to visit anywhere in town but the brothel to relieve his stress, and he has a hatred of the eldritch.

Everything here is eldritch, in some form or another.

peche

Ah, Peche. As our resident Bounty Hunter, I’ve given him the abilities that allow him to mark a target for massive damage, as well as end up inflicting that massive damage. He also shows a fondness for bleeding his enemies out, and stunning them.

He hates unholy enemies. This means zombies. We’re going into a dungeon full of them. Poor Peche.

quincey

Quincey is our healer, a Vestal. She’s prone to bleeding, but with the meat shields in front of her, she should be fine, right?

necro

We’re heading into the ruins to kill a Necromancer Apprentice, and I’ve decided to play it very safe with supplies, by bringing a lot of food and torches. I’ve brought a couple of keys and holy waters too, because they can always come in handy when faced with locked boxes and unholy shrines.

supplies

A devil walks these halls. Only the mad or the desperate go in search of him.

Our journey starts with a bang. Quincey manages to dodge a trap that none of us saw coming, and reading from a book has a profound effect on her…

quincey2

It instills in her a hatred of mankind, which hopefully only extends to her enemies, as it increases her damage to humans by 15%!

Battle #1, a couple of Bone Rabbles, and a Bone Arbalist. The latter is capable of most damage, so we’d do well to stop him in his tracks.

montcanisi2

Mont-Canisi’s Blinding Gas stuns the Arbalist, which is fortunate as he would have taken a turn straight after. Instead, he is forced to skip! But we can’t keep him stunned forever, we need to bring him into the forefront…

Peche Marks him, which makes him take more damage from certain attacks:

peche2

We need to go on the offensive, and Reynauld delivers!

reynauld2

His Zealous Accusation destroys the enemy’s front line, and Peche finishes off the Arbalist in a single blow. 875 gold is our easily-earned reward. Where do the skeletons keep it?

Quincey throws some holy water on an urn, dissolving the ashes within and revealing treasure! 2 lumps of jade, a ruby, and citrine! Spoils!

lighting

Darkest Dungeon has a lighting system. The darker you allow it to become, the more stress your party members take, the more damage your enemies will do, but the more rewards you receive, and the more likely you are to inflict a critical hit.

Stress accumulates passively as you go through a dungeon, because walking these dank, ruined halls and encountering fearsome monsters strains the mind as much as it may strain the body. Getting hit with criticals also raises it, as do certain enemy attacks. Stress is mainly recovered via facilities in town, or via camping, but some characters can reduce their (or their friend’s!) stress through abilities in battle, and by scoring critical hits.

When your stress reaches max, your resolve gets tested and you either come out with powerful buffs, or severe debuffs, as well as increasing the stress of your other members. Once things start to go wrong, they tend to spiral.

battle2

Speaking of enemies increasing stress, the Bone Courtiers in this battle (the 2 bringing up the rear of this enemy party) are possibly the most effective at raising it. Their Tempting Goblet attack raises your stress by a large amount, and thus letting them live too long is something you do not want happening. They can only use this attack from the rear ranks, however, so by killing what’s in front of them or yanking them forward will stop them throwing drink on you. I opt for the former method, and finishing them off proves easy.

quincey3

May as well keep our health topped off while we’re here!

Remind yourself that overconfidence is a slow and insidious killer

battle3

Battle 3 sees us against another Courtier and Arbalist, as well as a Defender and a Soldier. The two front-ranked enemies both have a stat called “Prot” which reduces the damage you deal to them by that percentage. The Defender’s Prot is 25%, and the Soldier behind him 15%. Blights and Bleeds are the way to go with these two, except skeletons don’t bleed…

quincey4

Vestals are great healers, but they also have attacking utility. Her Dazzling Light ability here not only inflicts a bit of damage, but also stuns AND increases the level of light! A most useful attack, and a very worthy action if healing is not necessary this turn.

montcanisi3

Mont-Canisi’s bread and butter is Blight attacks. They deal low initial damage, but inflict a powerful poison on the target too, which often proves to be the killing blow of an enemy.

necromancer

The Necromancer Apprentice here is a different kettle of fish. Whenever he attacks, he also summons a skeletal minion in front of him, and the further back he goes, the less likely you are to be able to hit him.

We’re not gonna let that happen.

debuffs

Stunning him looks unlikely, but those are some rather low bleed and blight resistances… Mont-Canisi and Peche can certainly take advantage of those! We also see that he’s Unholy, and Reynauld’s Smite ability deals extra damage to Unholy types…

reynauld3

The Necromancer’s first turn is an ability called The Flesh is Willing, which hit the front 2 characters for respectable damage and summoned a Bone Soldier to the field. Mont-Canisi casts a Noxious Blast at the Necromancer to blight him, and Peche scores a critical hit!

Damaging debuffs are stackable in Darkest Dungeon, so Mont-Canisi casts another Noxious Blast, and when it’s the Necromancer’s turn, he takes 8 damage instead of 4! If he was in a position where Peche could Bleed him, he’d be taking serious damage every turn!

fleshiswilling

The Necromancer’s pumping out some respectable damage, though, and we need to keep an eye on our health. Hits like that, the Vestal can’t recover in 1 go.

sixfeetunder

On top of that, he has his Six Feet Under spell which does no health damage, but hits your stress levels like a truck!

Even reanimated bones can fall. Even the dead can die again.

reynauld4

Stacking those DoTs and fierce attacking won the day here, however. Quincey and Mont-Canisi’s stress levels, while not maxed, are rather high, so they may have to sit out the next dungeon.

When you complete a quest, you get gold, trinkets and heirlooms to upgrade your base with (my Occultist will LOVE this trinket, I think):

demoncauldron

Your victorious heroes don’t come out unchanged either. They have a chance to develop traits thanks to their time in these dank, unforgiving halls. They may pick up undesirable habits, diseases, or even come out as better men and women for their experience!

partybuffs

Reynauld now recovers stress easier, but contracted a disease that makes him slower. Mont-Canisi picked up a trait that gives him 10% damage reduction!

A successful venture, but now it’s time for our heroes to rest.

Omnia Mutantur

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The next couple of weeks promises to be one of many changes. An exciting time, to be sure.

The boyfriend and I are moving out of our current place, after our landlord decided to hike our rent by 20%. We spent last week looking at places, we found somewhere we like, we paid the bond and we’re waiting to sign the contract. We start moving our stuff next week.

The place we’re moving to is mostly unfurnished (there’s kitchen appliances and that’s about it), which means we’re gonna spend the next few months living on a tiny budget, while the rest of our pay goes on furniture. I’m cool with this though; I can get enough food to last me over week for about £10-£12, because I shop dirt cheap. This DOES mean though that my plan of buying a nice mic to do a possible podcast with will have to be put on hold, at least for now. Sad face.

Still, this means we can accumulate ACTUAL FURNITURE. Furniture that is ours, and we don’t have to leave when we move out! The beginnings of the rest of our lives.

I’ve sold a number of my books too, in the name of downsizing. Stuff I haven’t read in years, and don’t plan on doing again. I expected to get less than £20, I ended up getting over £65! Flabbergasted, I was.

Other changes? Altogether more frivolous.

lunchiinblack

Lunchi has changed her transmog temporarily, to keep things fresh and interesting. Amusingly, her item level (from 2 normal runs of 9 bosses, and one round of Mythic dungeons) is now higher than that of my Heroic-raiding Warlock. What?

Shokei the Warlock will still be my main going into Legion, but like I’ve stated before, I want my Monk to keep up with her, artifact/item level-wise. Monk is, in short, the most fun melee DPS in the game to me, and I want to continue playing her. Brewmasters make powerful and deadly tanks for soloing too, so that adds an extra dimension of fun to her. I can solo things with Lunchi that I can barely even attempt on Shokei.

necalli2

Street Fighter V comes out next month, and while I am very excited at the thought of playing as R. Mika and Zangief, one character has ended up growing on me. When he was first announced, Necalli didn’t interest me very much, but the more I’ve seen of him (usually through YouTube replays, I don’t have the beta!), the more I’ve wanted to play as him as well. His two “forms” seem to play rather differently from one-another; they have the same moves, but the moves themselves have slightly different properties, so mastering Necalli means mastering two characters! Kinda reminds me of Gen, one of my favourite Street Fighter IV characters!

necalliboom

Anyway, that’s all from me. Keep feelin’ fascination!

I Don’t Want Your Number

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Hello. I’ve been all flowery and frivolous with my fun lists and whatnot recently. It’s time to get down to business, people.

There are all sorts of people who play World of Warcraft, there are all sorts of people who play ANY game, but there’s a definite “worst type” of person to play with. In fighting games like Street Fighter, it’s people with the “scrub mentality.”

Now, when the word scrub comes into play, a lot of people bristle because in Warcraft, it tends to mean the same as “casual,” at least when the latter is used as an insult. Inferior for whatever reason, whether it’s they raid the “wrong” level (“you’re not Mythic? Fucking casual.”), or they do something that’s not seen as direct betterment of their character (“you do pet battles? Fucking casual.”). In fighting game parlance, it means thus:

A Scrub is a player of a competitive video game who adamantly believes that his or her “house rules” should apply to everyone to promote his or her view of “fair play”. If a scrub sees a move or strategy he doesn’t like (or can’t beat), he bans it (if only in his own mind), and complains that anyone who uses it is cheap.

TV Tropes article on Scrub

The “scrub mentality” is one of not playing to win (as one would when playing a competitive game) but playing “fair” or “with honour,” whatever the hell that means. The thing is, an individual’s definition of “fair and honourable” can differ from someone else’s. You beat Mr Scrub with a lot of fireballs? You’re a fireball spammer and fireballs are cheap and you shouldn’t use them. You beat Mr Scrub after you throw them five times in a row? Ugh can’t you DO anything ELSE? Do you even know any moves or combos?

Instead of learning from their mistakes and growing and figuring out ways to counter these moves, the scrub will “ban” them. In the old days, this might mean switching off the machine and saying something like “well I’m not playing with some cheap arsehole like YOU” whereas in this modern age of online play, they may kick you out their lobbies or disconnect from you, usually with accompanying hate mail. There’s a lovely Twitter account dedicated to documenting things like this.

It’s people setting rules that they believe others HAVE to live by, but they can’t see that these regulations of theirs ultimately handicaps THEM as well. How do you get better if you can’t overcome something that beats you? Answer: you can’t, idiot.

I strongly dislike E. Honda in Street Fighter 4. Nine times out of ten, when my boyfriend plays as him, I lose, and this is despite the fact my main characters Gouken and Poison have distinct and numerous advantages over El Sumo. Now, I could say to him “okay you can’t pick him any more, he’s banned” and the boyfriend has even said “I can just not play as him if you like?” but I’ve strongly refused. Why? Because how will I improve if I just ban everything I lose against? Shit, I’ve even ENCOURAGED him to play as that sumo bastard because I want to learn TO beat him, because in the long run it WILL make me a better player.

If you don’t face your fear, you can’t overcome it.

What’s this got to do with World of Warcraft?

Well, there’s a worst type of player in WoW too. It’s not a scrub though, it’s the “Just LFR” person.

“hey what are the tactics for this fight?”
“WHO CARES IT’S JUST LFR”

These are the sort of people who spam GOGOGO when a tank takes more than 10 seconds to pull a boss. They’re the sort of people who stand in the fire and complain that it’s too hot. They trash talk anyone below them on the Skada while also trash talking those ABOVE them too (“fucking casuals” and “fucking no-lifers” respectively, of course). They either don’t know the tactics (because it’s just LFR) or don’t respect them (because it’s JUST LFR DAMMIT) and then get surprised when they fall in the hole on Elegon, or Durumu’s maze obliterates them, or the Doomfire on Archimonde incinerates them.

When there’s a wipe, they spend all their time bashing everyone else for failing while not recognizing their own failures. They demand resurrection despite the fact that when they release spirit, they appear RIGHT THERE (particularly glaring on Iron Reaver or Archimonde, and yes I’ve seen a LOT of LFR groups wipe on the 2nd boss). They criticize the healers for not healing them despite them standing in crap, the other DPS for not pressing buttons hard enough even though their own DPS is decidedly mediocre, and the tanks for letting a newly spawned enemy kill them despite them not giving the tank any time to establish any sort of threat level on it.

They are not the try-hards of WoW. The TRUE try-hards are good players, whether they are the “filthy casuals” that actually respect LFR mechanics that can and WILL kill you, or the people who regularly raid above LFR level that still respect the mechanics because they just want to get the fights over and done with for their Valor Points. They are good players BECAUSE they try their hardest.

These people are the do-nothings. The don’t-try-at-alls. They are the problem, for which I see no solution. They are a plague that I fully believe are driving a lot of people from this game, because who wants to play a game with a bunch of arseholes? They may be a minority of people, but they are the ones that shout the loudest because NOBODY seems to want to tell them to shut the fuck up and start playing the game properly. When all you see is a wall of abusive text from whatever group you’re in and NOBODY telling them to stop? It’s disheartening, and makes the game, one that’s meant to be a social multiplayer experience, seem like the most toxic place to be.

AHH OH GOD HE'S HERE
AHH OH GOD HE’S HERE

Most scrubs criticize a “play to win” attitude, because it’s supposedly “at the expense of fun” for some nebulous reason. But what if you derive fun FROM winning? The game itself is great, but winning makes it taste sweeter.

Play WoW like you want to win. Treat each encounter, no matter the difficulty, no matter the place, with respect, even if that means you get flasks and food for dungeon runs and establish everyone knows the tactics for fights. I’m sure you don’t queue for LFR because you WANT to wipe over and over again? Learn the fights, know how the bosses work. Help others who may not know.

Instead of criticizing everyone else, look at yourself. Instead of having a hissy fit when people throw fireballs at you, learn what your character can do to overcome them. Instead of being a whirlwind of toxicity and abuse, be level-headed and treat people the way you want to be treated. Call out people who are acting like blowholes, instead of ignoring it. Trust me, you’ll make someone’s experience better for doing it.

Be the change you want to see in the game.

 

Panda Steve’s OFFICIAL Best Mounts List

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Yes, I’m here to tell you definitively what the best mounts in the game are.

The list will be limited to mounts I actually HAVE, which means no Mimiron’s Head, or that sparkly thing that Elegon drops. Which by the way both don’t exist, I am sure of it.

"whatever could they be?"
“whatever could they be?”

Ashes of Al’ar

It’s AL’ARming (*snort*) how pretty this mount is.

alar

But Lunchi, could you look more enthusiastic?

This shiny, shiny bird drops from Kael’thas Sunstrider in Tempest Keep, and will make you the envy of all your friends. I like it because it makes colours and patterns in the sky as you fly. It’s hypnotic, almost.

*flies into fatigue area*
*dies*

Invincible

invincible

“but I can see it!”
*glare*

When this dropped from the Lich King  (25hc for those who don’t know) I actually squealed a little. It’s a badass undead horse! He’s also probably glad to be in your possession, considering the Lich King would have rode on him in damn heavy armour, and you weigh a LOT less.

Red Flying Cloud

redflyingcloud

It’s not necessarily as FANCY as some other mounts, given that it’s a cloud with a disc on top, but it’s the only mount I can think of where you can stand with your weapon out like above, and it looks IMPOSSIBLY AWESOME.

Flametalon of Alysrazor

flametalon

It doesn’t fly, so I don’t use it much, but it’s still awesome looking. Burning birdy!

When I’m unable to fly, this is one of the mounts I tend to default to.

Twilight Harbinger

harbinger

It’s a fabulous pinky/purpley dragon. What’s not to love?

Grand Gryphon

grandgryphon

While I’m a sucker for bright colours, the muted palette of this mount actually makes it my preferred gryphon over any other. Plus, it just looks generally higher-quality than the others. Probably comes from it being a Mists of Pandaria mount, rather than having been in the game for forever and a day.

Volcanic Stone Drake

volcanicstonedrake

Again, it’s the colours I like, though this time it’s the striking contrast between the dark colours, and the red that juts out from it that makes this a really eye-catching mount.

I tell you, if THIS was the mount that Slabhide dropped, I might care about him more to farm him. As it stands, this is Best Drake, and Slabhide can go swivel, dammit.

So, what are your favourite mounts? Do you disagree with mine?

Well, you’re wrong. This is, of course, THE OFFICIAL LIST, but you can feel free to be wrong in the comments.

Though if you’re just going to say Mimiron’s Head or the sparkly Elegon constellation mount, I may have to fight you. Put up your dukes.

Make Your Own Fun

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Honey bunnies, it has come to that time in the expansion when we’re facing a long stretch of nothing, and you need to start making your own fun.

“But I don’t know what to do, Panda Steve!” I hear you cry, and fear not because I am here to tell you.

(or you could just not play until Legion I dunno it’s your life do what you want)

T-T-T-T-TRANSMOG HUNTING

Yes, the transmog wardrobe is coming, and if I were you, I’d get crack-a-lacking on filling it up. Remember characters can only unlock armor of the type they primarily use!

  • CLOTH: Priest, Mage, Warlock
  • LEATHER: Monk, Rogue, Druid
  • MAIL: Shaman, Hunter
  • PLATE: Death Knight, Paladin, Warrior

Take your characters on a tour of Azeroth! Solo all the raids and dungeons, plonk all that tasty armour into your void storage! Weapons-wise, Warriors have a distinct advantage of being able to equip damn near everything (bar wands and offhands I believe?) so have this be your stabber-gatherer.

You can also take the time to go and do old quests, as their rewards will also get put into your wardrobe in Legion. Still need the Seeker or Loremaster titles? What better time than now?

gestherya

Transmog, baby.

MOUNT HUNTING

More hunting, but this time you’re looking for dragons and horses. Here’s the bosses you can solo with relative ease (depending on your class of course) that drop mounts:

  • Literally everything in Temple of Ahn’Qiraj (4 mounts)
  • Attumen the Horseman, Karazhan
  • Kael’thas Sunstrider, Tempest Keep
  • Archavon, Emalon, Toravon and Koralon, Vault of Archavon
  • Malygos (two mounts), Eye of Eternity
  • Sartharion (two mounts), Obsidian Sanctum
  • Yogg-Saron, Ulduar 25
  • The Lich King, Icecrown Citadel 25 Heroic
  • Onyxia, Onyxia’s Lair
  • Al’akir, Throne of the Four Winds
  • Alysrazor, Firelands
  • Ragnaros, Firelands
  • Ultraxion, Dragon Soul
  • Madness of Deathwing (two mounts, one Heroic only), Dragon Soul

There are also a number of bosses that will prove to be a tougher ask:

  • Sha of Anger, Kun-Lai Summit
  • Galleon, Valley of the Four Winds
  • Nalak, Isle of Thunder
  • Oondasta, Isle of Giants
  • Elegon, Mogu’shan Vaults
  • Horridon, Throne of Thunder
  • Ji-Kun, Throne of Thunder
  • Garrosh Hellscream, Siege of Orgrimmar Mythic

But wait! There are also dungeon bosses that drop mounts!

  • Lord Aurius Rivendare, Stratholme
  • Anzu, Sethekk Halls Heroic
  • Kael’thas Sunstrider, Magisters’ Terrace
  • Skadi the Ruthless, Utgarde Pinnacle
  • Infinite Corruptor, The Culling of Stratholme
  • Slabhide, Stonecore
  • Altairus, Vortex Pinnacle
  • High Priestess Kilnara, Zul’Gurub
  • Bloodlord Mandokir, Zul’Gurub

And completing the timed run of Zul’Aman will also net you a mount, and that one’s not only guaranteed, but hilariously easy at level 100. Get to it!

STORIES

This could be something you do to develop a deeper attachment to one of your characters. Not necessarily roleplaying, but imagining a cool backstory for your character. Maybe your various characters know each-other? Or OF each-other?

Take pictures! Share them! Even if it’s just you constructing weird situations for your characters, it’s still fun to do.

RAID

From LFR to Normal, from Heroic to Mythic, there’s a level for YOU! Whether you’re guilded, or whether you PuG when you get a spare hour or two, raiding is a fun distraction from a lack of content elsewhere in the world. I mean, raiding was probably the one thing they got absolutely RIGHT this expansion, so woo Blizz there.

It’s also worth doing LFR occasionally, if not for the Valor Points, then for those shiny little satchels bursting with loot. Sometimes DPS even get them, and if that’s the case I fully recommend queuing and steamrolling through. Your prizes await, milady.

BITCH

“there’s nothing to DOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo waah”

A favourite past-time of many people, you can choose to log in (or sit on Twitter) and instead of actually DO something (ANYTHING), you can incessantly bitch about the game. That’s always productive, and makes you seem oh so cool and popular, oh yes it does.

bull

I suppose it’s better than the anal spam though!

(ANAL [Detox] btw)

MAKE A DIFFERENCE

I don’t mean become the Next Big Thing and try to change the world, but I mean do the SMALL things that make a difference. Help people in-game, rather than troll them. Ensure you do the best you possibly can by fully buffing yourself, even in LFR or 5-mans. More buffs = more damage = faster kills = happy people.

Act like you want others to act. Treat them the way you want to be treated. Call out douchey behaviour. Make the difference. Suck out the toxicity of this game and replace it with common fuckin’ decency.

Be the person you should be.

COLLECT EYEPATCHES

Eyepatches are amazing, and make you look like the badass I know you secretly are.

vangun

vanblood

mappingup

rogue

Panda Steve’s OFFICIAL Class Rankings

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LISTS. We always need more.

This is the official, unarguable ranking of each class in World of Warcraft, from worst to best. This has been scientifically calculated using no science whatsoever but if I put the word “official” in the title it makes it legit, right?

12: Demon Hunter

Fuck you Demon Hunters for stealing Metamorphosis, even though I wasn’t a fan of it in the first place and VASTLY prefer the sound of New Demonology.

illidan

Illidan’s a poser anyway. Sitting atop the Black Temple with Gul’dan’s skull? Probably listening to Nickelback? THIS IS HOW YOU REMIND ME that you’re a loser.

Also they’re bottom because I haven’t played them yet and therefore haven’t formed an opinion on them yet.

You’d enjoy Demon Hunters if: you’re a damn dirty thief, or you have some variation on the name Illidan reserved on your server, most likely with a lot of accents in it.

11: Mage

mageloses

A poor man’s Warlock, Mages are the inferior cloth caster. They’re pretty much only good for conjuring food, and even that tastes a bit like shame and desperation.

You’d enjoy Mages if: you excel at making bad choices in life.

10: Druid

druidlose

They can do everything! Yet I find myself unable to get along with Druids. Maybe it’s the fact you can’t see your awesome transmogs when shapeshifted? Maybe it’s the stupid Eclipse system? Maybe it’s the smell of wet fur? I dunno but Druids are kinda meh.

You’d enjoy Druids if: you’ve decided “jack of all trades, master of none” is your motto in life.

9: Death Knight

dklose

“I MUST INFLICT PAIN OR I WILL SUFFER PAIN MYSELF”

Jesus you sound like a bad ex boyfriend or a teenager or something. Go away.

You’d enjoy Death Knights if: you’re a fan of the cold, and you can get the name Arthas on your server. Preferably with numerous accented letters.

8: Paladin

disflexio

Paladins are like that person you had living in your house/dorm at the first year of university that didn’t partake in the whole “having fun” aspects of the experience, and spent their evenings tutting and sighing at all the antics all the fun people were having.

You’d enjoy Paladins if: the “judging you!” face is your default one, or if you’re a judge, what with all the hammers and judgements and whatnot. Human female, call yourself Judgejudy, take any talent that adds more hammers.

7: Priest

priestlose

You know, a lot of other classes can fall back on a different DPS spec when their favourite is rubbish, but if Shadow is rubbish and you don’t like healing? Tough luck! Okay, Monks and Paladins get this too, but Shadow Priests seem to have been bottom of the pile for… a LONG time now.

Their healing is fun though. The healing specs amount to “excel on meters because yay absorption shields” and “unused.”

You’d like Priests if: you feel lucky, punk.

6: Hunter

lixiubowjob

Honestly, I’d have put Hunters higher but as a Warlock, I’m exceedingly bitter/jealous that they can DPS on the move. They can prance around firing arrows, while I might as well be a mounted gun.

Admittedly a mounted gun that spews green flames, so I still get cool points.

You’d like Hunters ifrecent years featured a LOT of people in movies and games using bows & arrows, and you want to emulate them. Female Human, call her Katniss. Yes, with accents, everyone else is original like you too.

5: Rogue

rogue

You need one to unlock all those locked boxes you loot constantly, then when you make one, level them to max and open all the boxes, you’ll never loot another one again.

Also it’s fun to constantly Sap people on PvP servers.

You’d like Rogues if: given a choice between living in a fancy house or the sewers of a magic floating city, you choose the sewer every time.

4: Shaman

shaman

COMMAND THE ELEMENTAL FORCES OF AZEROTH. ALSO OUTLAND AND DRAENOR.

Keep trying to move while casting Lightning Bolt and interrupting it because you keep forgetting they can’t move while casting it any more, even though it’s been YEARS DAMMIT.

You’d like Shamans if: you can stand the idea of being the same class as Thrall.

3: Warrior

massive

Dual-wield 2 handed swords. That is all.

RIP Gladiator.

You’d like Warriors if: you have two two-handed swords you can wave around.

2: Monk

rude

Dedicate yourself to making your body a shrine to martial arts. Smash marble blocks to smithereens using only your powerful kicks. Achieve a zen-like state. Roll/Chi Torpedo/Flying Kick your way off many, many cliffs.

You’d like Monks if: you’re a big fan of old, badly dubbed martial arts films. “YOU… BRING DISHONOUR TO OUR FAMILY” *mouth still moving*

1: Warlock

"TA DAAAAAH"

Well duh. We bring damage, we bring healthy cookies and teleporter gates, we bring sexy demons (*looks at shirtless felguard*), and we’re not Mages.

You’d like Warlocks if: you’re the coolest person ever.