With the wonderful news that my beloved Bolton won their match (an away match! Against a newly relegated team that are one of the favourites to win the division outright!) against West Brom yesterday came the news that the aforementioned opponents have a new mascot. A boiler.
They also have their other mascot but who the fuck cares because THERE’S A BOILER WITH LEGS RUNNING AROUND WEST BROM GAMES.
And so I looked into the other mascots of the Championship clubs, and then I decided to do this post. The definitive ranking of the mascots of the Championship. Because it’s Sunday and I can. Spoiler alert: there are a lot of cats.
24: Phoenix and Blue, Wigan Athletic
They would have been way higher up had they stuck with Stripey the Laticat:
However recently they changed to these soulless homunculi:
And so at the bottom they languish. I prefer nonhuman mascots as they’re less uncanny valley.
23: Captain Blade, Sheffield United
The whole dislike of the human-esque mascots is why Captain Blade is down here.
Sheffield United are The Blades, so I get the name, but why he’s a pirate I don’t know, considering Sheffield is miles and miles from the sea and thus has no maritime history.
22: Captain Canary, Norwich
He looks morose. That’s not the energy we need at a football match. The perils of a beak!
Definitely would sound like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh.
21: Buzz and Buzzette, Brentford
I don’t know, there’s something… off… about them. Almost like they advertised jam until the 80’s…
I also don’t like the idea of bees with no wings. Let them fly freely, Brentford!
20: Scrumpy the Robin, Bristol City
Scrumpy is not a nice cider and is that a traffic cone on its face?
19: Ozzie Owl, Sheffield Wednesday
I mean if you can’t turn your head all the way around are you even trying?
18: Beau Brummie, Birmingham City
I’ll be honest here, the hugeness of his mouth terrifies me. A slight unhinging and he could eat me whole, and I’d be in his stomach like those weird soft vore pictures.
17: Vinny the Vogue, West Bromwich Albion
They still have their other mascot, Baggie Bird, but let’s be honest this is the one getting the headlines right now. And for good reason, it’s a fucking boiler.
A fucking BOILER.
16: Cyril the Swan, Swansea City
By virtue of a swan’s shape, he’s always gonna be looking downwards. By virtue of always looking downwards, he’s going to look miserable. Kinda fitting as Swansea got dumped out the Premier League last season, and DREADED RIVALS Cardiff went up!
Once got into a fight with Millwall’s mascot, ended up ripping his head off and kicking it around the pitch.
15: Spark the Cat, QPR
Used to be a black cat named Jude, but then they realised black cats were unlucky so they changed to this.
Looks like Bubsy the Bobcat and that’s never a good thing.
14: Rover the Dog, Blackburn Rovers
IS DOG. YAY DOG. PET THE DOG.
13: Hercules the Lion, Aston Villa
Hercules, Roman god, Greek version called Heracles, had a Disney movie made about him.
Looks like he could beat up James Woods, so that’s points in his favour.
12: Roary the Tiger, Hull City
First of two Roarys, Hull’s mascot looks kinda like a tiger version version of Nico from Grand Theft Auto 4.
No? Just me?
11: Roary the Lion, Middlesbrough
Looks genuinely pleased to be here, and I admire the enthusiasm.
10: Lofty the Lion, Bolton Wanderers
My team! You can tell I am not biased because they are not conveniently number one, so you know this is based on COLD HARD FACTS and not emotion.
The most ferocious-looking of the MANY MANY lions that seem to lurk in the Championship, yet also looks like he would stop mauling you to death to let you scritch under his chin. 10/10. would risk death again.
9: Sherwood the Bear, Nottingham Forest
Sherwood! Like Sherwood Forest from Robin Hood! Like the Sheriff of Nottingham! Forest! Bears! Disney!
Looks alarmingly like he’s bombed a boat here. Would have been MUCH lower down in the list if he still had that distressingly long nose the old version had.
8: Zampa the Lion, Millwall
Oh look another lion.
Eyes blue as the sky. A glorious mane. A posture that says “yes, come to me, I certainly shan’t MAUL YOU TO DEATH.”
7: Lucas the Kop Cat, Leeds United
Kop Cat like Top Cat? I don’t know, but he’s the cutest of the big cats. LOOKIT THAT ROUND FACE!
6: Kingsley the Lion, Reading
Look at him FLEX. This is a lion with CONFIDENCE and SWAGGER and a RECENTLY CUT MANE BY THE LOOKS OF IT. Would never set foot in Supercuts.
Only shops at Waitrose for the free coffee that MyWaitrose members get.
5: Deepdale Duck, Preston North End
Now that is a duck that knows he’s got it good.
Cool. Confident. Sophisticated. I bet he’s never even contemplated doing a dab.
4: Bluey McHorse, Ipswich Town
Would definitely trample the opposing team’s mascot beneath his powerful, mighty hooves. Bringing them down on their mangle bodies like Mike Tyson raining punches on his opponent.
Except hooves. On a horse.
3: Miller Bear, Rotherham United
oh, it’s a dab.
2: Rammie the Ram, Derby County
Definitely one of the cutest mascots going. Look at that FACE!
Would also like you to paint him like one of your French girls.
1: Pottermus, Stoke City
Stoke City, known affectionately as The Potters, have a hippo as their mascot. Wait, what?
Stoke. Hippo? Potters… Hippo…
Hippopotamus. HippoPOTTERmus. Pottermus.
Frankly it’s that glorious level of punnery alone that should win you titles. Perhaps that’s why they’re favourites to win the Championship.
The Old Gods are coming! The Old Gods are coming! THOQ FSSH N’ZOTH! ETH’RAZZQI WORG ZZ OU! A̭͍͕̦̠̭̿͌̓̆Q̣͚͎̭̤̣Ě̬̮̙̰̣̻͌V́̅ͮ̍ A̯̯̪̱ͥ̌̓͊̆ͪ̚Q̘̖̰̺͉̪̭͎ͫ̆̄͑͊̎E̜̘̲̱̮̘̯͇ͭ͑͊̎ͥ͒V̜͙̥͇̺̰̰̾͆ A͈̩̼͚̗͓̖͒Q̗̪̻͉ͫ͛͜͝E̴̢̥̲̻͎̦̞̣͐̿ͩ͌ͅV̧̛͓͇̄͡
I mean, probably.
Things I Love In The Prepatch So Far
- 8.0 Demonology is honestly the best, most fun iteration of Demonology I have ever played! It combines the demon summoning of Legion (but cuts out the boring Demonic Empowerment spam) with the Molten Core gameplay of Mists (but cuts out the stupid Metamorphosis weaving) and honestly, it ends up being something just supremely fun and interesting! Plus, the chance to summon Prince Melchezaar is just lovely. Give me Jaraxxus too and I’ll never change spec again.
- Sticking on the Warlock front, 8.0 Affliction is actually rather interesting too. Reap Souls has thankfully gone into the bin (sadly so has Soul Flame but we can’t have everything our way), and I enjoy the Deathbolt gameplay so far. Going back to a casted filler rather than a channelled one feels a bit better as well. No more do I feel like a bargain basement Shadow Priest.
- STORY. MORE STORY. It’s not exactly going the way I’d like it to so far, but I am confident there’ll be some interesting twists and turns. REMEMBER PEOPLE, this is just the prologue to the expansion, there’s a shitload more stuff to come, and I fully expect some of it to be tentacular.
- I like that Mistweaver Monk has the castable Soothing Mist back, and you can do instant Vivify/Enveloping Mist through it. Makes it a little different to other healers. Plus I love Fistweaving, and a few of their new talents gives that gameplay style a very tidy little boost. Can’t wait to test it out in a raid environment!
- The anticipation everyone has for the new expansion. It’s so close!
Things I Hate In The Prepatch So Far
- Something feels like it’s “missing” from Destruction. Probably the lack of fire-spewing portals from the artifact. I liked those.
- “Your talents have been reset” nooooooo now I have to look things up!
- I, like many, many others, am a little miffed at the events that have transpired in the story recently. Still, there’s another week to go, and I suspect the Alliance will get a satisfying retribution. For all the moaning that the Alliance is losing an important racial capital on Kalimdor, it’s important to remember the Horde are losing their only bastion on the Eastern Kingdoms too. Whether or not that is a like-for-like is up to you to decide, but this whole faction conflict does not seem entirely one-sided. Shame it has to be the Horde ACTING, and the Alliance REACTING yet again though.
- Inxy, the lovely Goblin up there, is currently flying around the WoD zones, levelling via bonus areas and collecting treasures, and rocketing her way to level 100. Kinda wish that was viable in Legion content too. Powerlevel via exploration!
- Sylvanas’s movie needed a sea shanty like Jaina’s. Yo ho ho and a bottle of plague, that sorta thing.
Having a laptop that’s capable of running graphical settings at higher than the lowest level means I can now make pretty, pretty pictures.
I can see where my time is going to be spent from now on. Searching high and low for the pretty things!
I did the worst yesterday, here’s the best today!
Not just ol’ Skelly here, but all the talking weapons we got over Legion have buckets of personality, and I have hopes (slim as they are) that they’re allowed to be chatty when transmogged to in Battle for Azeroth too, even if it’s just their generic battle phrases (like when you use Call Dreadstalkers, Jack Skellington goes “RELEASE THE HOUNDS!”).
Warlocks get the best stuff.
Every raid had its standout (in my opinion!) boss. Il’gynoth, Star Augur, Odyn, Maiden of Vigilance, Imonar. The fact we had a decent number of raids compared to Warlords was another triumph, and while I’m a tad bored of fel green, the general aesthetic of each raid this expansion was very strong thematically.
I’ll never get bored of Old God purple though. Just saying.
The Mage Tower
Those challenges were amazingly fun, at least for warlocks. The twins were frustrating without Sacrolash’s Dark Strike, but easy enough after that. The demon worm and his master was a challenging ask, making such an interrupt-heavy fight for a spec that ordinarily has no interrupt! Demonology had Sigryn and her cronies, which was a mechanically demanding fight but by far the most fun of the three.
Also no spec had Agatha, because fuck Agatha.
The cinematics were fantastic this time around, and I am confident they will only get better going forward.
But still, Ysera… *sob*
I know, they’re repetitive, grindy, and frustrating for people who just can’t leave a single quest undone, they’re still an amazingly solid addition to the game, and mean that rather than be holed up in our garrisons like we were in Warlords, we’re still, even at this late stage of the expansion, flying around the world actually DOING stuff. Long may they continue.
Filthy, filthy, FILTHY!
Practically topless. Rippling abs! Solid pectorals! And that’s just the girls!
SOMETHING’S NOT QUITE RIGHT
AN ILLUSION! WHAT ARE YOU HIDING?!
Coven of Shivarra
Fuck your RNG bullshit. I used to like shivarra before this boss, but now my succubus shall stay a succubus out of sheer protest.
FUCK YOU XAVIUS. YOU DESERVE EVERY DEATH PLAYERS HAVE UNLEASHED UPON YOU. STOMP YOUR FACE INTO THE GROUND UNTIL THERE IS NOTHING LEFT BUT MUSH.
Their campaign basically amounted to “SAVE US, PALADINS! HELP! WE’RE QUITE USELESS!” which is a bit of a disappointment really.
Warlocks are just too good and cool and awesome, it saps all the fun out of every other lesser class. Warlocks get all the best stuff!
Ugh it was too easy to progress to max level, FISHING SHOULD TAKE YEARS yet I went from 700 to 800 in the space of an hour.
“Ah yes, remember that time I asked you for a ludicrous amount of Apexis crystals? Oh what larks we had! Ooh watch out for that Vrykul, he’s looking rather mean! Anyway yes, as I was saying…”
“LEAVE ME ALONE”
Jesus fucking Christ what the shit.
Hyped up to be the main villain of Legion, yet we offed him really early on. Still, it feels as good to beat him as it did to beat Xavius. THIS IS FOR VARIAN/YSERA etc.
“I’VE SACRIFICED EVERYTHING, WHAT HAVE YOU GIVEN?” oh honey have you seen the amount I cast Life Tap? Plus, you’ve been asleep in a vault for years and years napping. I had to build a garrison with my bare hands, damn you.
As Legion draws to a close, I’d like to take a brief look back at the raid bosses of this expansion. This is the first expansion where I have raided the entire duration at a higher level than LFR, and that’s been such an amazing experience, and thankfully we’ve had some really good fights during that time as well! Here are my favourites:
Il’gynoth, Heart of Corruption
This fight is probably my favourite fight in Legion, primarily because it has a lot of storyline significance, at least as far as his whispers go. Offering us little hints about where the rest of this expansion and the next will go, puzzles to figure out, references to scour. Her third death? A sea of stars? Her heart is a crater?
Plus, I absolutely adore instant death mechanics, and Il’gynoth’s door slam is up there with Elegon’s pit in my opinion. It’s a shame it dies in the first heart phase now because I GUARANTEE people’d still not leave the chamber even now.
Odyn’s appearance in the Trial of Valor raid was an absolute masterstroke. It basically took his Halls of Valor boss fight, and went “what if we upscaled this to a raid format and also threw a couple of the other bosses in at the start?” and what we got was a long, difficult but ultimately pleasing encounter. Also, any opportunity to see that glorious beard is fine with me.
Star Augur Etraeus
Taking place on one of the prettiest boss rooms to date, Etraeus is a relatively simple fight, but my favourite thing about the fight was how the heroic additions were reinforcements of what you needed to do already. Phase one, you generally stacked in three groups (two groups on each side, melee in the middle) and the additional mechanic, Frigid Nova, had damage reduction based on how many players were near you. Phase two you’re generally spread out, trying to avoid dropping fel pools on people, and the new Fel Nova sees you take less damage the further you are from him. Phase three, you’re generally stacked as a whole on top of the boss for healer ease, and Void Nova just damages and adds a stacking DoT, making the stacking even more helpful to the healers.
Grand Magistrix Elisande
This fight was won or lost based on how well you handled the very first phase. Take too long in it, and say hello to a shitload of Arcanetic Rings in each subsequent phase. This meant expedient killing of the speedy add, and judicious usage of Heroism (i.e. right at the start of the fight!). The combinations of mechanics, and the fact they echo in later phases, made this a difficult but very satisfying fight.
Honourable Mentions: Trilliax, Gul’dan, Kil’jaeden.
Not every fight was a winner, mind. Some fights I just plain hated:
Eonar the Life-Binder
This tower defence fight. Waves after waves of enemies lurch from portals, and eventually Eonar blasts a ship out the sky. I hate this fight, it feels less like a boss and more like trash that rewards epic loot if you’re lucky. Never mind the fact that everything seems to be dead just as I arrive somewhere, more than anything, it commits the crime of being utterly DULL.
The Coven of Shivarra
Antorus ain’t doing so brilliantly, having two bosses in the hated section. This fight earns my ire for its use of RNG. This fight can be easily lost by the flip of a coin, based on what titan is tormented and when. Every time I’ve died on this fight, it’s because of the Norgannon adds. Here they come to stomp all over me in my safe zone from the Storm of Darkness, giving me the choice of dying to the adds, or dying to the storm outside. Here they come to stomp all over me because Diima bunged her Orb of Frost on me, reducing my movement speed by 85%. The fight has ridiculously nasty overlaps, and it’s almost impossible to practice them consistently because they change from pull to pull.
This fight takes ten fucking years and everything’s so dark and not even the presence of tentacular tentacles can save it. Odyn was a long but fun fight. Helya is a long, terrible, painful slog and that stupid orb needs to STOP TARGETING ME. STOP IT! I DON’T HAVE MOVEMENT SPEED INCREASES FOR THE LOVE O- I’m sorry, I lost myself a little there.
High Botanist Tel’arn
Utter, utter chaos in the last phase and it makes my laptop slow down to a crawl, so I ain’t moving for love nor money. It’s really odd how this is the only fight in the Nighthold that does that, especially with Etraeus existing. Anyway, those stupid spiky spores and the Call of Night and the Parasitic Fetter can bite me.
Dishonourable Mentions: Mistress Sassz’ine, Elerethe Renferal, Spellblade Aluriel.
But not every fight even inspires a sense of hatred. Some fights were just… there. Underwhelming, boring, mechanically limited, here are my most disappointing fights of Legion:
Just… what the hell was this? Stand in the middle and spank the boss? Occasionally move out then back in so the blades avoid the raid? Nothing else? Ignore all those adds at the end because they do literally nothing except lag my laptop? And this is an END BOSS?
Oh look, it’s another “stack on the boss and every ten years, spread for 5 seconds” snoozefest. At least this one had murloc adds. Mrglrglrlgl!
Oh look, it’s another “stack slightly behind the boss, then move side to side every so often” snoozefest. At least this one gave a person a reason to move outside the raid (8 yards only though) so they don’t spread disease about.
Argus the Unmaker
Look, this is meant to be the end boss of the expansion, yet it too boiled down to “stack up, move if you have a bomb/he makes a cone/there’s a swirly” and for an end boss OF THE EXPANSION that’s just a bit too simplistic. The saving grace of this fight was the transition from phase three to four (INSTAKILL!) and the usage of death almost as a resource (for tanks to drop stacks, for people to collect orbs to activate Titanforging) and the need to keep the tree alive.
But a strong phase 4, the phase you’re probably in the fight for the least, does not a good end boss make. The first three phases, unless you botch up the cone of death in phase one, you just don’t feel like you’re under any palpable threat.
Honourable Meh-ntions: Tichondrius, Portal Keeper Hasabel, Cenarius.
Anyway, there’s the notable bosses of this expansion for me. But what about you? Who did you love or hate? Who do you forget even exist? Let me know! As for me, I have a void elf to level.
Time to get back to the grind in WoW.
(with a little more Civ woven in of course, I mean the expansion is next month, and oh god Dynasty Warriors 9 is out soon too)
Fings Wot I Want
- A void elf, but that apparently involves getting the last Legion reputation to exalted, and ugh Mac’Aree sucks.
- That snazzy mage tower appearance for Affliction, but that involves getting a specific legendary and the game seems to want to give me anything BUT that legendary. Even going so far as to not give me ANY affliction-specific legendaries at all, let alone the one I want.
- To kill Argus the Whateverthefrig on Heroic, but then that’s going to happen sooner or later, we’re making good progress through Antorus the Uncomfortable Seat.
- To get Affliction to 75. I’m at 73. This is probably the easiest to do, maybe I should get right on that?
The Celts in Civ VIwait that’s not WoW-related!
- Though while I’m on the subject of Civ VI, another African or South American civ would be lovely too.
- The enthusiasm to level my horde character to come back. She’s level 60, and she’s stalled. Though I’ve been playing the game as a whole less recently, due to a random Civ renaissance in my life.
- MORE WARLOCKS.
Fings Wot I Don’t Want
- I… I just… Look, Eonar is an atrocious fight and I hope to hell Blizz never do anything like that again.
- Norgannon’s Foresight.
Another East Asian/European civ, bar Georgia I guess. Give us some underrepresented areas!Wait that’s not WoW-related!
- To be stuck at 3-set the whole bloody tier.
- Like, just in general Malfurion, he’s awful.