The Impossible Thief

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So a character concept I am utterly in love with, just in general, is that of the “impossible thief.” Basically, a thief that can steal more than just items off a shelf or from a museum.. Like, more. I suppose it’s easier to show via examples, so here’s an excuse for me to post a TOP X THINGS blog post, because let’s be honest I’ve not done that for a while.

Skyrim: You!

You know, every time I start a new character on Skyrim, I think “this time, things will be different! I’ll use swords and shields, or maybe magic!” and then I loot a bow and some arrows, and oops I’ve become a sneaky archer thief yet again.

I mean when they give you arrows in such a manner, it’s like they’re trying to tell you something

So I go around and steal a load of stuff, join the Thieves’ Guild, level up sneak and pickpocketing slowly but surely, and those two skills are where the REAL impossible thievery comes into play. With the right amount of those two skills and the correct perks (Perfect Touch as a minimum, probably 5 ranks of Light Fingers and Stealth too) you can literally steal the clothes off someone’s back and the weapons from their hands from in front of them in broad daylight, and somehow not only do they not notice, they don’t even react! As if they were feeling a draught already so this is nothing out the ordinary.

This, however, is nothing compared to what you can do to a particular type of enemy. Over in The Reach, the city of Markarth has a problem with the Forsworn, rebels who are trying to reclaim the area from Nord and Imperial control. One type of Forsworn enemy you can encounter is a Forsworn Briarheart, powerful high ranking men who usually act as the leaders of the various groups you encounter in The Reach. The story goes, they performed a ritual, offering their human heart to Hargravens, and in exchange receiving power and a new heart, the Briar Heart. Well yes, if you’re sufficiently sneaky and pickpockety, you can creep up behind them, steal the heart from their chest, and watch them drop dead instantly!

Final Fantasy Tactics: The Thief Class

We like short shorts

A staple class in a lot of Final Fantasy games, even those without an explicit job system (example: Rikku in X, Zidane in IX, Vaan in XII), the Final Fantasy thief is one character I always try to include. I mean, free shit, right? Just gotta pry it from their hands!

Thieves in Tactics go a little further though. Not content with stealing weapons, shields, armour and accessories, the Tactics thief can also steal the enemy’s heart (not in the Skyrim Briarheart way), charming them into fighting for you. They also go a bit metaphysical, being able to steal the experience right out of someone’s head! Yes, with Steal EXP they can prevent an enemy levelling up by just filching the experience points from them! They can’t take them below 0 though, and thus cannot level someone down, which is a crying shame. They can, however, steal an enemy’s money without using Steal Gil! One ability gives them gil equal to damage they’ve taken! Literally picking the pockets of someone swinging a sword at them, amazing/.

The thieves from Final Fantasy Tactics Advance can steal whole abilities from an enemy! That black mage got a spell you haven’t? Go right over to them and steal it outta their mind, and become an instant master of magic!

Disgaea: The Thief Class

YOINK

Statistically rather weak, and with rather bad weapon aptitudes (though they eventually get okay ones with Gun and Bow), the thief is best used as, well, a thief! Boasting double the success rate for stealing items compared to other classes in the game, and with the best items coming off of really strong enemies, you’re going to need an even stronger thief to relieve them of those precious things! Much like the previous thieves, they are capable of tearing the clothes off your back and the sword outta your hands, but Disgaea’s thieves also have another trick up their sleeves: they steal STATISTICS.

While it picks a stat at random, Snag Heart actually permanently raises the stat of the thief at the cost of the same amount from your target. It’ll never be enough to cripple an enemy’s statistics (you’re better off stealing their armour and weapons for that, plus have you SEEN the crazy numbers they can reach in that series?!), but the fact remains you’re stealing something highly intangible! In Disgaea 2 they can also inflict status ailments through stealing; Steal Memory causes the Amnesia status, making the target unable to use abilities, whereas Steal Health inflicts the Poison status.

LOOK AT THOSE STATS

Final Fantasy X-2: Thief Class AGAIN

Popping back briefly to Final Fantasy, in the much maligned (but secretly very very good) X-2, thieves had access to Flimflam abilities, and these had a couple of interesting effects!

Girls, how are you not cold?

There’s the typical stealing of money or items, but Borrowed Time literally stole your enemy’s time, inflicting the nasty Stop status! Similarly, using Soul Swipe they could inflict Berserk, making the enemy unable to use anything other than physical attacks (with the trade-off of making those attacks hurt a LOT more), and with Steal Will they could literally steal the enemy’s enthusiasm to fight, making them flee the battle!

I just made them all Dark Knights though. They looked cooler.

so edge

THE ORIGINAL, THE BEST: CARMEN FUCKIN’ SANDIEGO

I mean let’s just recap some (not even all, SOME) of the things this genius has stolen over the years:

  • The shine of the Hope Diamond. Not the diamond itself! The shininess of it!
  • Portuguese. Yes, the language.
  • The alphabet.
  • The Spanish letter ñ.
  • A TV channel.
  • The internet.
  • The Mona Lisa’s smile.
  • All the goulash for some reason.
  • K2. An entire fuckin’ MOUNTAIN.
  • Gandhi’s glasses.
  • A beach.
  • All the salsa. ALL.
  • Saturn’s rings.
  • Montezuma’s headdress.
  • George Washington’s face from every $1 bill that ever existed and, somehow, ever will exist
  • Maths.
  • Dance.
  • The International Date Line, which is imaginary but she stole it anyway.
  • The steps to the tango.

Look, when it comes to impossible thievery, Carmen Sandiego just cannot be beaten.

She’s my fucking HERO.

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A Prelude, If You Will

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Blizzcon starts tonight, which is lovely and all but what’s more important is that I AM ON HOLIDAY! Currently on the hotel wifi, making a silly blog post while I drink and think about what I want for lunch.

Is 3pm an appropriate lunch time? Is there a name for a meal between lunch and dinner? Like brunch as a concept?

What I Wanna See At Blizzcon

SNAKE PEOPLE. GIVE ME SERPENTS.

HISS

What I Wanna See In Newquay

You know, it’s changed a lot since I was last here, all of two years ago. There are fewer gift shops for instance. I suppose they cannibalise each other’s custom; if you buy your gifts in one, you’re not gonna be buying more of the exact same gifts for the exact same price a bit further down the street. I suppose the most popular ones survived, and the unlucky bit the dust. It’d be nice for some more unique stuff to be put there instead. Fancy eateries, or cool smoothie shops!

That church sign has been like that since, I dunno, the dawn of time? I distinctly remember it from when I lived here back in 1999/2000. It’s obviously a refreshed sign, the colours aren’t faded, but they just keep going with that same CH__CH joke, which is charming I guess! Like they’ve peaked in terms of creativity, and every time they have a brainstorming session to come up with a new pun, 99% of the parishioners vote to keep the old sign, and some jokester keeps submitting “Singers wanted, INCHOIR within!” or something to that effect, and everyone’s like “WE HATE CHANGE” and the sign stays the same.

Food!

If you’re in Newquay and fancy a good Indian meal, then I can recommend a place for you! I remember seeing it 18 years ago, and every time we visited, and we always wanted to go and never got around to it, but this year! This year we FINALLY went to the Maharajah restaurant, and it’s so amazing. I’m possibly still full from it, 18 hours later.

Also found a New Favourite Curry to eat whenever I go for an Indian. Lamb Methi! Yesssssssss.

BEFOULED!

Birds here are as dirty as ever. Shitting on people left right and centre. BEWARE.

You know though, the bravest, most nasty birds I ever experienced were located in Wales. In Barmouth, I was literally dive-bombed by a seagull who knocked a doughnut out of my hand, snatched it from the fuckin’ air, then fucked off before I know what happened. In Conwy, birds were congregating outside an ice cream shop, swooping on any unsuspecting person with food. People were literally having to chase them away constantly, and they didn’t take the fuckin’ hint.

And one time, when I was in Aberystwyth university, I had a sandwich in the Wetherspoons by the train station, and figured I’d sit outside as it was a nice day, and some fucked up bastard seagull just stole like half my lunch.

Birds can go fuck themselves.

You Should Consider Yourself Lucky To Face Me!

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Gilgamesh? Thrillgamesh.

8/8 HC

Check that shiz out! G’huun went g’down, and now we’re g’ahead of the curve! I guess we’ll take alts into Uldir soon, gives me a chance to stretch Lunchi’s legs, get all Misty in this place.

Zoogleboogle

Gumi, proving they love love love their global exclusive characters, recently gave Zargabaath his 7* awakening in Final Fantasy Brave Exvius, and he’s gone from being “really good” to “borderline absurd” and I am entirely here for it. Not enough that he’s got extremely powerful support abilities, but he now gets 40% baseline evasion, meaning he can hit 100% incredibly easily, and he gets a fuckin’ chaining move! Octaslash family too, so he plays nice with Reberta, another GLEX character. Just watch Fryevia get an Octaslash move with her 7* awakening, that’d seriously rock.

How mine looks so far and he’s not even max level yet!

Need to kill the Malboro Family, Calcabrina and Shaula trials. Should get on that, really.

Today at work, another colleague recognised the game I was playing on break and we both collectively nerded out over now knowing someone IRL playing this silly mobile game, and that was lovely. Gaming, even mobile gaming, long dismissed as “not real games” by idiots and elitists, bringing people together who would not normally have said anything to each other!

Got Your Number

Fuhai the Hunter is level 118 now. I think. Or she’s incredibly close to it. I think I am levelling her slowly because having done the 120 grind twice relatively quickly, I can’t really face THE SAME grind a third time. Maybe later, maybe later.

And I had such lofty goals of getting loads of characters (and their professions) maxed out early on. Where did that enthusiasm go? I don’t think it’s me not enjoying the game, more thinking “well I have the main and the backup, do I need anyone else? Could I be gearing/perfecting them instead of dicking around on a character I might not play much?” and just deciding it’s not worth it, not just yet. I’m not in the position of “I’ve done EvErYtHiNg and now I have nothing to do!” like some people somehow are, but I am in the mindset of “this time could be spent bettering characters I actually use, or playing Civ 6 or Soul Calibur” and I just stop.

The hunter is mechanically strange to me as well. Ranged, but mobile. As a warlock main who is basically a fixed turret 99% of the time, playing a class that can freecast but move as well feels liberating, but also dangerous. If I get too used to moving when casting as a hunter, I might end up translating that into my warlock gameplay, and interrupt all my fuckin’ casts. Can’t have that, no sir.

*Voldo noises*

Soul Calibur 6 is finally out, which means we all get to play as Mr #FashionGoals himself, Voldo! Our favourite, oh yes indeed.

Enough Expository Banter!

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I’ve decided that I will title my blog posts with quotes made by Gilgamesh from Final Fantasy for the foreseeable future, because this is my blog and it entertains me to do so.

Let’s see how you handle the mighty me! And by me, I mean Gilgamesh!! And by handle, I mean DIE!

Gilgamesh is amazing.

World of Warcraft: To Do List

  • Heroic Uldir. We’re up to Zul at the moment. You know, for a raid that literally gets no introduction for the Alliance bar “some snake people briefly mention it during the war campaign and here’s a small cutscene” I’m actually really enjoying it! The bosses are varied and interesting, unlike Tomb of Stack the Fuck Up To Soak Shit and Antorus the Addsfest, and any dungeon that has even a trace of Old God in it is a 10/10 in my book.
  • Rep grind. I’ve only got Champions of Azeroth and the Tortollan Seekers to go, and rather than grind them out obsessively, I’ve found the best way to do it and actually keep my interest is to only bother grinding them when there’s an emissary for them. They get a big wedge of rep for the trouble, and I don’t feel like I am grinding too much.
  • Level the hunter. She’s at 117 at the moment. Again, it’s a case of taking it slowly, doing it gradually, rather than going all in, too hard, too fast, and getting burnt out or even BORED of the game.
  • MORE MYTHIC PLUS. I’ve barely done any dungeons this expansion. My gearing has come from raiding, world quests and warfronts, and while that’s great and I like how there’s a variety of ways to get the gear you want, I did a couple dungeons last week and I had a jolly old time. Sure, we didn’t get them done in time but I still had fun, and that’s what matters!
  • Level Porcelaine, because she’s goddamn awesome.

  • Like, as soon as I saw the bald hairstyle, I had to, I just had to.

Non-WoW Stuff

  • Soul Calibur 6, Red Dead Redemption 2 and Football Manager 2019 are all released in the coming weeks and threaten to eat up ALL MY TIME EVER.
  • Mercenary Ramza! He’s amazing!
  • I’m playing Civ 6 again, and I have to say Montezuma can still entirely go fuck himself.
  • Rahul in GBBO is too pure for this corrupt universe.
  • Pandas.
  • No, seriously, fuck you Montezuma. And while I’m here, Pedro and Wilhelmina too!
  • “See these weapons I picked up in the rift? They let me predict the weather: bullet showers and rocket storms!”
  • Trance Terra! QUAD CAST CHAOS FIRE! DESTROY ALL THE THINGS!

Panda Steve Stuff

  • Still gay as hell.

THIS IS FAR FROM THE STRONGEST OF SWORDS

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Oops sorry, no swords here, but here we do have the finest hat. The best hat. The most… tentacular.

But all these fabulous fedoras, these stunning sombreros, this majestic millinery, these brilliant bowlers, they distract us from the most important thing.

Stealth follower missions are the biggest piles of shit in this entire expansion

Thanks for your time.


Oh, in other news, I’m going to give you some advice on the LFR fight MOTHER.

  • Nominate someone who knows the fight. Make them group leader so they can send raid alerts.
  • Tank in group 1, Other tank in group 5. Healer in each.
  • Send over groups one at a time from one room to the next. Wait until everyone’s healed, send in the next group.
  • Kill the adds.
  • DON’T all run into the second room at once. You’ll die.
  • DON’T keep MOTHER in the first room until it explodes. You’ll die.

Thanks for playing.

Oh, and bounce the ball on Zek’voz. If you don’t, you guessed it, you’ll die.

Official Ranking of the 24 EFL Championship Team Mascots

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With the wonderful news that my beloved Bolton won their match (an away match! Against a newly relegated team that are one of the favourites to win the division outright!) against West Brom yesterday came the news that the aforementioned opponents have a new mascot. A boiler.

They also have their other mascot but who the fuck cares because THERE’S A BOILER WITH LEGS RUNNING AROUND WEST BROM GAMES.

And so I looked into the other mascots of the Championship clubs, and then I decided to do this post. The definitive ranking of the mascots of the Championship. Because it’s Sunday and I can. Spoiler alert: there are a lot of cats.

24: Phoenix and Blue, Wigan Athletic

They would have been way higher up had they stuck with Stripey the Laticat:

However recently they changed to these soulless homunculi:

And so at the bottom they languish. I prefer nonhuman mascots as they’re less uncanny valley.

23: Captain Blade, Sheffield United

The whole dislike of the human-esque mascots is why Captain Blade is down here.

Sheffield United are The Blades, so I get the name, but why he’s a pirate I don’t know, considering Sheffield is miles and miles from the sea and thus has no maritime history.

22: Captain Canary, Norwich

He looks morose. That’s not the energy we need at a football match. The perils of a beak!

Definitely would sound like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh.

21: Buzz and Buzzette, Brentford

I don’t know, there’s something… off… about them. Almost like they advertised jam until the 80’s…

I also don’t like the idea of bees with no wings. Let them fly freely, Brentford!

20: Scrumpy the Robin, Bristol City

Scrumpy is not a nice cider and is that a traffic cone on its face?

19: Ozzie Owl, Sheffield Wednesday

I mean if you can’t turn your head all the way around are you even trying?

18: Beau Brummie, Birmingham City

I’ll be honest here, the hugeness of his mouth terrifies me. A slight unhinging and he could eat me whole, and I’d be in his stomach like those weird soft vore pictures.

17: Vinny the Vogue, West Bromwich Albion

They still have their other mascot, Baggie Bird, but let’s be honest this is the one getting the headlines right now. And for good reason, it’s a fucking boiler.

 

A fucking BOILER.

16: Cyril the Swan, Swansea City

By virtue of a swan’s shape, he’s always gonna be looking downwards. By virtue of always looking downwards, he’s going to look miserable. Kinda fitting as Swansea got dumped out the Premier League last season, and DREADED RIVALS Cardiff went up!

Once got into a fight with Millwall’s mascot, ended up ripping his head off and kicking it around the pitch.

15: Spark the Cat, QPR

Used to be a black cat named Jude, but then they realised black cats were unlucky so they changed to this.

Looks like Bubsy the Bobcat and that’s never a good thing.

14: Rover the Dog, Blackburn Rovers

IS DOG. YAY DOG. PET THE DOG.

13: Hercules the Lion, Aston Villa

Hercules, Roman god, Greek version called Heracles, had a Disney movie made about him.

Looks like he could beat up James Woods, so that’s points in his favour.

12: Roary the Tiger, Hull City

First of two Roarys, Hull’s mascot looks kinda like a tiger version version of Nico from Grand Theft Auto 4.

No? Just me?

11: Roary the Lion, Middlesbrough

Looks genuinely pleased to be here, and I admire the enthusiasm.

10: Lofty the Lion, Bolton Wanderers

My team! You can tell I am not biased because they are not conveniently number one, so you know this is based on COLD HARD FACTS and not emotion.

The most ferocious-looking of the MANY MANY lions that seem to lurk in the Championship, yet also looks like he would stop mauling you to death to let you scritch under his chin. 10/10. would risk death again.

9: Sherwood the Bear, Nottingham Forest

Sherwood! Like Sherwood Forest from Robin Hood! Like the Sheriff of Nottingham! Forest! Bears! Disney!

Looks alarmingly like he’s bombed a boat here. Would have been MUCH lower down in the list if he still had that distressingly long nose the old version had.

8: Zampa the Lion, Millwall

Oh look another lion.

Eyes blue as the sky. A glorious mane. A posture that says “yes, come to me, I certainly shan’t MAUL YOU TO DEATH.”

7: Lucas the Kop Cat, Leeds United

Kop Cat like Top Cat? I don’t know, but he’s the cutest of the big cats. LOOKIT THAT ROUND FACE!

6: Kingsley the Lion, Reading

Look at him FLEX. This is a lion with CONFIDENCE and SWAGGER and a RECENTLY CUT MANE BY THE LOOKS OF IT. Would never set foot in Supercuts.

Only shops at Waitrose for the free coffee that MyWaitrose members get.

5: Deepdale Duck, Preston North End

Now that is a duck that knows he’s got it good.

Cool. Confident. Sophisticated. I bet he’s never even contemplated doing a dab.

4: Bluey McHorse, Ipswich Town

Would definitely trample the opposing team’s mascot beneath his powerful, mighty hooves. Bringing them down on their mangle bodies like Mike Tyson raining punches on his opponent.

Except hooves. On a horse.

3: Miller Bear, Rotherham United

:3

is bear

is best

is…

oh, it’s a dab.

2: Rammie the Ram, Derby County

Definitely one of the cutest mascots going. Look at that FACE!

Would also like you to paint him like one of your French girls.

1: Pottermus, Stoke City

Stoke City, known affectionately as The Potters, have a hippo as their mascot. Wait, what?

Stoke. Hippo? Potters… Hippo…

Hippopotamus. HippoPOTTERmus. Pottermus.

Frankly it’s that glorious level of punnery alone that should win you titles. Perhaps that’s why they’re favourites to win the Championship.

THEY COME

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The Old Gods are coming! The Old Gods are coming! THOQ FSSH N’ZOTH! ETH’RAZZQI WORG ZZ OU! A̭͍͕̦̠̭̿͌̓̆Q̣͚͎̭̤̣Ě̬̮̙̰̣̻͌V́̅ͮ̍ A̯̯̪̱ͥ̌̓͊̆ͪ̚Q̘̖̰̺͉̪̭͎ͫ̆̄͑͊̎E̜̘̲̱̮̘̯͇ͭ͑͊̎ͥ͒V̜͙̥͇̺̰̰̾͆ A͈̩̼͚̗͓̖͒Q̗̪̻͉ͫ͛͜͝E̴̢̥̲̻͎̦̞̣͐̿ͩ͌ͅV̧̛͓͇̄͡

I mean, probably.

Things I Love In The Prepatch So Far

  • 8.0 Demonology is honestly the best, most fun iteration of Demonology I have ever played! It combines the demon summoning of Legion (but cuts out the boring Demonic Empowerment spam) with the Molten Core gameplay of Mists (but cuts out the stupid Metamorphosis weaving) and honestly, it ends up being something just supremely fun and interesting! Plus, the chance to summon Prince Melchezaar is just lovely. Give me Jaraxxus too and I’ll never change spec again.
  • Sticking on the Warlock front, 8.0 Affliction is actually rather interesting too. Reap Souls has thankfully gone into the bin (sadly so has Soul Flame but we can’t have everything our way), and I enjoy the Deathbolt gameplay so far. Going back to a casted filler rather than a channelled one feels a bit better as well. No more do I feel like a bargain basement Shadow Priest.
  • STORY. MORE STORY. It’s not exactly going the way I’d like it to so far, but I am confident there’ll be some interesting twists and turns. REMEMBER PEOPLE, this is just the prologue to the expansion, there’s a shitload more stuff to come, and I fully expect some of it to be tentacular.
  • I like that Mistweaver Monk has the castable Soothing Mist back, and you can do instant Vivify/Enveloping Mist through it. Makes it a little different to other healers. Plus I love Fistweaving, and a few of their new talents gives that gameplay style a very tidy little boost. Can’t wait to test it out in a raid environment!
  • The anticipation everyone has for the new expansion. It’s so close!
Also I am enjoying levelling this minx up

Things I Hate In The Prepatch So Far

  • Something feels like it’s “missing” from Destruction. Probably the lack of fire-spewing portals from the artifact. I liked those.
  • “Your talents have been reset” nooooooo now I have to look things up!
  • I, like many, many others, am a little miffed at the events that have transpired in the story recently. Still, there’s another week to go, and I suspect the Alliance will get a satisfying retribution. For all the moaning that the Alliance is losing an important racial capital on Kalimdor, it’s important to remember the Horde are losing their only bastion on the Eastern Kingdoms too. Whether or not that is a like-for-like is up to you to decide, but this whole faction conflict does not seem entirely one-sided. Shame it has to be the Horde ACTING, and the Alliance REACTING yet again though.
  • Inxy, the lovely Goblin up there, is currently flying around the WoD zones, levelling via bonus areas and collecting treasures, and rocketing her way to level 100. Kinda wish that was viable in Legion content too. Powerlevel via exploration!
  • Sylvanas’s movie needed a sea shanty like Jaina’s. Yo ho ho and a bottle of plague, that sorta thing.