WoW

You Know What’s Missing From WoW?

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I haven’t done a list of things in a while, so here we go. NOTE, some things may not be entirely serious.

  • Red Mage-esque hats for clothies.
  • Also, let us have some neck items that actually show up on characters! Not just necklaces either, but things like ruffs! Ascots!
  • Player housing for the love of god.
  • PANDAREN WARLOCKS.
  • Shit just make Pandaren be every class, that way I can race change everything and finally be happy.
  • Odyn-shaped training dummies, because MAN I’d love to beat that guy up on a regular basis without having to traipse through the Halls of Valor for 6 years.
  • Wrathion. More dragonbro please.
  • Hunter healing spec where they shoot bandages and medicine at people.
  • Warrior healing spec where they charge/heroic leap around and shout at people to make them feel better. Every ability has a yelled emote like “PAIN IS JUST WEAKNESS LEAVING THE BODY!” and whatnot.
  • Tentacle mount. Slither slither.
  • Old God mount. Like, I want a miniature Old God to fly around on.
  • Val’kyr mount. We helped Eyir out a few times, have her be all “strap a saddle on me and let’s fly away together!”

  • That mask above as a permanent transmog item. Preferably without the tanks on the back too.
  • Khadgar-shaped training dummies.
  • Affliction Warlock combat animations. ’cause aside from Drain Life, what is there to look at? Everyone knows the bigger the firework show, the more damage you do!
  • A proper, in-game capital city for gnomes. Let them have Gnomeregan finally, or maybe even let them build some new steampunk-esque city somewhere!
  • I would say let Worgen have Gilneas back too but I don’t care enough.
  • Playable ethereals!
  • 80’s hairstyles. Think Bonnie Tyler or Kim Wilde.

So, the sooner Blizzard start working on this stuff, the better as far as I am concerned, darlings.

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THE MIGHTY YOPAAT: A Day in the Life

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This post is me taking part in Z & Cinder’s Blog Challenge 20: A Day in the Life of Your Toon because for fuck’s sake I need to blog more often

The Mighty Yopaat, Farseer of the Earthen Ring

Has quite a ring to it, doesn’t it? It makes you think of power and dignity and other assorted stuff like that, right? Well let me tell you, I sure don’t feel it right now.

I seem to spend my time dogsbodying for that lazy mage Khadgar, performing meaningless errands for the disparate groups that pepper the Broken Isles, or babysitting so-called “champions,” telling them where to go and what to do. It seems the Kirin Tor are more interested in playing games with barrels than fighting the legion.

Let’s take today. I went to Aszuna. I freed some of those morose demon hunters and killed their captors. I picked some weird fel flower. I extracted murloc eyes from their heads and stole a hydra’s egg. I killed a ghost, which is surely impossible as they’re already dead. Another ghost gave me a box with nothing of interest inside. Tomorrow I may well end up in Val’sharah doing other pointless errands.

Ah, but you’re not here to hear me complain about my lot in life, are you? Yes, I do try and relax sometimes.

I spend a lot of time in The Legerdemain Lounge. They do the nicest coffee on Azeroth, you know. A rich, dark Kun-Lai roast, none of this icy Highmountain rubbish. I enjoy the kick, it gives me the spark I need to make my own brews. Not coffee, mind, but potions. See, in my spare time I indulge in a bit of alchemy. I refuse to pay those scalpers at the auction house for herbs, mind, so I go and pick my own. I’ve got quite the knowledge of herbs now, though I still occasionally disintegrate Starlight Rose. Fat furry fingers, you know?

The alchemy shop being opposite Like Clockwork is an annoyance though. Explosions and robots fighting day in, day out. At least I’m able to make potions without Deucus’s supervision.

I still see Thrall occasionally. He likes to ask me if I’m taking good care of Doomhammer. Haven’t the heart to tell him it’s collecting dust in the care of some goblins, along with Sharas’dal. Sure, hitting things with a hammer is somewhat cathartic, but I don’t want to fall into that trap of “if all you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail.” I much prefer to keep my distance, less chance of being bludgeoned myself, you know?

I don’t tend to socialise much. My fellow shamans tend to be rather stuffy and constantly in a state of elemental reverence, which is fine and all but take a break sometime, yeah? Not that other groups are better. The warlocks freak me out, the mages and paladins are full of themselves, the death knights and demon hunters are too… you know? Just too. Too much. And the druids? Worse than shaman! That said I do have a few friends I see every so often. There’s a warlock that seems less weird than the others, there’s a pretty cute monk I see meditating in Dalaran occasionally, and I know a rogue that opens locked boxes for me, and in return I give her potions. She’s got a missing eye too. Maybe I’ll ask her story one day?

Maybe not. She seems like that might be a sore point for her.

My eye? Oh it’s silly, really. You don’t wanna know.

The Way of the Monk

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Okay so being primarily a Shaman/Warlock player, you might think I am unqualified to be talking about what it means to be a Monk, but let me tell you, everyone refers to me as Grandmaster Lunchi, I’m wearing the clothes of a Grandmaster, and that wouldn’t be the case if I wasn’t a position of authority within the bigass turtle we all ride upon.

LOOK. SEE? Says it right there. Grandmaster.

So, given that I am the undisputed GRANDMASTER LUNCHI, isn’t it my duty to impart my wondrous wisdom upon you? To teach you the WAY OF THE MONK? Yes, I thought so, let’s begin.

  • Roll everywhere. There’s a talent that lets you Roll more. Use it. There’s a brew that makes Roll have no cooldown for an hour. Use that liberally. Travel at the speed of Roll.
  • Be careful when near cliff edges, especially if you are not a pandaren. Other races are not as Bouncy as us, and therefore cannot take the fall.
Sometimes even pandaren struggle if you fall off a cliff high enough.
  • Kick. Punch. It’s all in the mind. If you wanna test me, I’m sure you’ll find that the things I’ll teach ya is sure to beat ya, but nevertheless, you’ll get a lesson from teacher, now KICK.
KICK
KICK
  • It’s important to drink heavily when a monk. Whether it’s MAGICAL TEA that focuses your mind, deeply alcoholic brews that allow you to breathe fire or shrug off hits, or energy drinks to reinvigorate you, pick your poison and become one with it!
  • You know how they say “never work with animals or children”? Ignore that, you have a cat, bird or ox to befriend.
Yes, I blew a 3 minute cooldown just to get this picture. Twice.
  • JAB JAB UPLIFT oh wait that’s not a thing anymore.
  • Utilising your zoning abilities (hadoken, long-ranged normals et al) is very important in controlling the horizontal playfield. A common tactic is to throw a fireball, then use a shoryuken if the opponent jumps over it towards you. Experienced players may well bait the shoryuken followup out of you, leading to a massive punish combo if mistimed.
TENMA GOZANKU!
  • Try to remember some of the basics of CQC.
  • Flying Serpent Kick, if walking upon the wind is more your style, can be an even better launcher than mere rolling or Chi Torpedoing. Skim atop the surface of water! Rush towards your enemies at lightning speed! Plummet to your death off a cliff yet AGAIN!
  • Never use Roll, Chi Torpedo or Flying Serpent Kick when you’re on the Spine of Deathwing. Probably best to not use it where there’s Instant Death Water™ either, such as during the Krosus fight, or Gorefiend.
  • Expecting to need an expeditious retreat? Transcend space and time by mere meditation!
That basically means “you have a Demonic Circle-esque ability, fuckin’ use it”

There are, of course, many more aspects to the Way of the Monk, but I think that is all a beginner like you needs to handle for now.

And yes, this was an excuse to show off what Lunchi looks like. Seriously, that Grandmaster armour set (from the class hall) is bloody amazing-looking, and several of the Sheilun appearances look STUNNING with it.

Things You Do That Annoy Me, A Novice Monk Healer

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Hello, it’s me, Panda Steve, and recently I’ve been messing around with Lunchi. In particular, I’ve made her a healer now, because Mistweaver is very fun, and also because I can.

mweave

Here she is throwing out those hadokens or whatever.

Now, I’m a fairly novice healer, but I’ve been noticing some key areas where DPS and tanks can improve their play, because who better to give you advice on staying alive than the person keeping you alive?

I’m not just saying this to make my life easier. Honest.

(yes I’ve done a moaning novice healer post before, shut up I can do it again if I want)

  • In Halls of Valor, there’s lots of enemies that make lightning. You might want to NOT STAND IN THE LIGHTNING. Whether they’re tornadoes, or dragon breaths, or those lines of Crackle, just go away from them please.
  • Similarly, when fighting Fenryr, he may leap at you. Try not to be near other people or he puts the bleed on all of you and that’s just really annoying.
  • SPEAKING OF FENRYR! Please run away when he’s fixating on you, don’t just let him rip your face off.
  • SPEAKING OF (the trash before) FENRYR! Please don’t pick up ALL the wolves. They love to leap around and smack me random people, and they really can’t take too many of those before it’s unhealable.
  • Hide behind that BIG GLOWY SHIELD whenever Skovald does Ragnarok. I mean, you DO know what Ragnarok means, right?
  • Pull Hyrja to one side. Mein gott.
  • Don’t kill both the adds when facing Parjesh. You need to hide behind one of them so they get speared!
  • DON’T HIDE BEHIND ME WHEN HE’S THROWING SPEARS AT YOU.
  • Pop. The bloody. Bubble. On Deepbeard.
  • Ordinarily I’d moan about tanks running off way ahead, but shit I’m a monk, I’ve got movement for days.
  • Please use your mitigation. I assume it’s on your bars?
  • I’m questing as Windwalker, primarily because I kill things marginally quicker. When we enter a dungeon and I say “just changing spec, gimme a sec!” (I have that shit macroed), give me a sec. I need to drink for mana. If you’re skipping off merrily to engage enemies without your healer present, I hope you’ve got a Druid healthpool.

lunlun

I’m not a good healer, but I’m getting better. Healing’s just a side project for me, something fun to pass the time, but boy oh boy does it ever do that.

Love is in the Air

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And you know what that means.

TIME TO RUN THE EVENT DUNGEON HUNDREDS OF TIMES TO GET THE MOUNT THAT NEVER DROPS.

Aysa's upset that she has no big pink love rocket.
Aysa’s upset that she has no big pink love rocket.

Thanks to the fancy new dungeon scaling tech, you no longer need to be at/near max level to queue for this event dungeon. So long as you’re level 16 or higher, you can set yourself up for disappointment many times a day!

REJOICE as you tentatively log onto characters and classes you haven’t used since Warlords, or even Pandaria! BE CONFUSED as you figure out what the hell you press to make your druid actually do something. GRIMACE as you accidentally queue as healer when you’re in a DPS spec.

But more important than this mount? Yes, that’s right. It’s time for me to complain that the BEST-looking non-eyepatch headgear is still not classed as a cosmetic item, or even eligible for transmogrification.

JESUS CHRIST
Vile Fumigator’s Mask

FIX IT, BLIZZARD.

Panda Steve’s Quick & Dirty LFR Guide: RIFT OF ALN

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Well fancy that, Xavius gets his own wing of LFR all to himself. Good for him.

Guides for the first wing and second wing found here and here.

XAVIUS

wowscrnshot_101916_231902

Horny tentacle goat.

  • 3 phase fight. You have a Corruption bar that adds mechanics to the fight the more full it is. At 33%, avoid giant circles on the ground. At 66%, avoid small ones too. At 100% you deal 150% more damage/healing for 20 seconds, then you become mind controlled.
  • When Xavius hits 95% health, Ysera puts half the raid to sleep. At 60%, the other half sleep. When asleep, you are affected with Dream Simulacrum. When this debuff is removed (either after 3 minutes, on death, or when mind controlled) your Corruption is reduced to 0 and you awaken from the dream to continue the fight as normal, with all your cooldowns reset.
  • There is a tank swap mechanic. At three stacks of Darkening Soul or Blackening Soul, you need to tankswap and move out of the raid. Healers then dispel you.
  • Phase one: Two players will be affected by Nightmare Blades which run in a straight line between them. Move yourselves so that it doesn’t hit anyone else. Kill the huge Corruption Horror add asap. If fixated by a Lurking Terror, run away from it if not dreaming. If you ARE dreaming, make sure you touch it before anyone else.
  • Phase two: Stack for Corruption Meteor so the damage and Corruption gain is split. A number of Inconceivable Horrors spawn at the side of the room. Kill them before they reach Xavius, and dreaming people soak the pools they leave.
  • Phase 3, Nightmare Blades and Corruption Meteor are still a thing. Tentacles spawn when he casts Writhing Deep; frankly you can ignore these and just focus on Xavius. Hero/lust here to end this as fast as possible.

Things I’ve Learned in Legion So Far

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HERE BE SPOILERS PROBABLY
PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK, MOTHERFUCKER

shoryukengif

Okay so we’ve had Legion in our greedy little mitts for over a week now, but what have we learned so far? Well let me tell you.

Gul’dan is a bit gullible

So every spec in the game gets its own unique artifact weapon, and for Destruction Warlocks, that weapon is the Scepter of Sargeras. Problem? It’s in the possession of Gul’dan. Oh dear.

It’s up to YOU to infiltrate his forces, sabotage them, nab the fancy stick and make off with it. AND IT WORKS. Eventually you come face-to-face with Gul’dan, and rather than turn you to dust on the spot (you’ve been a thorn in his side for a while now, of course, he KNOWS you and how you’ve foiled all his nefarious schemes), he does this:

book

book2

He basically does the typical villain thing of “I INSTANTLY BELIEVE YOU!” and tells you and the Nightfallen next to you to fight over who gets to use the scepter while he buggers off to Argus through the portal behind him. He even tells you he might’ve helped that Nightfallen kill you but decided against it.

Yes, he regretted it, as you open a massive amount of portals, decimate his small army, steal his fancy stick and leave him shaking his fist in the wind. Silly Gul’dan.

Khadgar has been perfecting his ways to annoy you

badgar

Khadgar pls. Khadgar no why are you here, you CAN’T SIT WITH US.

There’s a crapton to do!

Once you hit level 110 and get Friendly rep with everybody, you unlock your World Quests and BOY OH BOY is there a lot to do! If you’ve been ignoring profession quests too (why?) then you have even more stuff, and honestly this looks like they’ve addressed the whole “there’s nothing to do at level 100!” perception of Warlords. There’s a TON to do! Go do it!

It’s not even “kill 10 badbads” quests either. There are fishing WQ’s, pet battle WQ’s, kill a superpowered boss WQ, even “craft this item then give it to someone” WQ’s! So much to do! So little time. Grind that rep! Grind that artifact power!

I do enjoy grinding, so to speak.

Vanessa VanCleef ain’t dead, yo!

hotvanc

As a lot of people thought/hoped, it turns out you never actually killed her in the Deadmines, or potentially ever even fought her, as you were afflicted with mind-altering poisons at the time! Hallucinations!

She pops up in the Rogue order hall, tries to kill you, fails, and ends up working for you. Happy days! Vanessa is a pretty damn awesome character and I’m glad she makes her triumphant return!

Hunters are even worse now

Barrage seems to be pulling everything ever. Through walls, probably through instance portals or something. It’s maddening, and a poorly-timed/positioned Barrage can end up causing you a lot of trouble. Have fun with that.

SuRrEnDeR tO mAdNeSs!

Priests are dying all the bloody time, and it’s because of this talent. It’s hugely powerful provided you have enough haste to sustain it, and the trouble is, at this stage of the expansion? Nah, that horrible death the tooltip advertises comes a lot sooner than you’d like.

YOUR SUFFERING FEEDS THE OLD GODS!

Guards are annoying

suramar

Flimsiest disguise ever.