With the wonderful news that my beloved Bolton won their match (an away match! Against a newly relegated team that are one of the favourites to win the division outright!) against West Brom yesterday came the news that the aforementioned opponents have a new mascot. A boiler.
They also have their other mascot but who the fuck cares because THERE’S A BOILER WITH LEGS RUNNING AROUND WEST BROM GAMES.
And so I looked into the other mascots of the Championship clubs, and then I decided to do this post. The definitive ranking of the mascots of the Championship. Because it’s Sunday and I can. Spoiler alert: there are a lot of cats.
24: Phoenix and Blue, Wigan Athletic
They would have been way higher up had they stuck with Stripey the Laticat:
However recently they changed to these soulless homunculi:
And so at the bottom they languish. I prefer nonhuman mascots as they’re less uncanny valley.
23: Captain Blade, Sheffield United
The whole dislike of the human-esque mascots is why Captain Blade is down here.
Sheffield United are The Blades, so I get the name, but why he’s a pirate I don’t know, considering Sheffield is miles and miles from the sea and thus has no maritime history.
22: Captain Canary, Norwich
He looks morose. That’s not the energy we need at a football match. The perils of a beak!
Definitely would sound like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh.
21: Buzz and Buzzette, Brentford
I don’t know, there’s something… off… about them. Almost like they advertised jam until the 80’s…
I also don’t like the idea of bees with no wings. Let them fly freely, Brentford!
20: Scrumpy the Robin, Bristol City
Scrumpy is not a nice cider and is that a traffic cone on its face?
19: Ozzie Owl, Sheffield Wednesday
I mean if you can’t turn your head all the way around are you even trying?
18: Beau Brummie, Birmingham City
I’ll be honest here, the hugeness of his mouth terrifies me. A slight unhinging and he could eat me whole, and I’d be in his stomach like those weird soft vore pictures.
17: Vinny the Vogue, West Bromwich Albion
They still have their other mascot, Baggie Bird, but let’s be honest this is the one getting the headlines right now. And for good reason, it’s a fucking boiler.
A fucking BOILER.
16: Cyril the Swan, Swansea City
By virtue of a swan’s shape, he’s always gonna be looking downwards. By virtue of always looking downwards, he’s going to look miserable. Kinda fitting as Swansea got dumped out the Premier League last season, and DREADED RIVALS Cardiff went up!
Once got into a fight with Millwall’s mascot, ended up ripping his head off and kicking it around the pitch.
15: Spark the Cat, QPR
Used to be a black cat named Jude, but then they realised black cats were unlucky so they changed to this.
Looks like Bubsy the Bobcat and that’s never a good thing.
14: Rover the Dog, Blackburn Rovers
IS DOG. YAY DOG. PET THE DOG.
13: Hercules the Lion, Aston Villa
Hercules, Roman god, Greek version called Heracles, had a Disney movie made about him.
Looks like he could beat up James Woods, so that’s points in his favour.
12: Roary the Tiger, Hull City
First of two Roarys, Hull’s mascot looks kinda like a tiger version version of Nico from Grand Theft Auto 4.
No? Just me?
11: Roary the Lion, Middlesbrough
Looks genuinely pleased to be here, and I admire the enthusiasm.
10: Lofty the Lion, Bolton Wanderers
My team! You can tell I am not biased because they are not conveniently number one, so you know this is based on COLD HARD FACTS and not emotion.
The most ferocious-looking of the MANY MANY lions that seem to lurk in the Championship, yet also looks like he would stop mauling you to death to let you scritch under his chin. 10/10. would risk death again.
9: Sherwood the Bear, Nottingham Forest
Sherwood! Like Sherwood Forest from Robin Hood! Like the Sheriff of Nottingham! Forest! Bears! Disney!
Looks alarmingly like he’s bombed a boat here. Would have been MUCH lower down in the list if he still had that distressingly long nose the old version had.
8: Zampa the Lion, Millwall
Oh look another lion.
Eyes blue as the sky. A glorious mane. A posture that says “yes, come to me, I certainly shan’t MAUL YOU TO DEATH.”
7: Lucas the Kop Cat, Leeds United
Kop Cat like Top Cat? I don’t know, but he’s the cutest of the big cats. LOOKIT THAT ROUND FACE!
6: Kingsley the Lion, Reading
Look at him FLEX. This is a lion with CONFIDENCE and SWAGGER and a RECENTLY CUT MANE BY THE LOOKS OF IT. Would never set foot in Supercuts.
Only shops at Waitrose for the free coffee that MyWaitrose members get.
5: Deepdale Duck, Preston North End
Now that is a duck that knows he’s got it good.
Cool. Confident. Sophisticated. I bet he’s never even contemplated doing a dab.
4: Bluey McHorse, Ipswich Town
Would definitely trample the opposing team’s mascot beneath his powerful, mighty hooves. Bringing them down on their mangle bodies like Mike Tyson raining punches on his opponent.
Except hooves. On a horse.
3: Miller Bear, Rotherham United
oh, it’s a dab.
2: Rammie the Ram, Derby County
Definitely one of the cutest mascots going. Look at that FACE!
Would also like you to paint him like one of your French girls.
1: Pottermus, Stoke City
Stoke City, known affectionately as The Potters, have a hippo as their mascot. Wait, what?
Stoke. Hippo? Potters… Hippo…
Hippopotamus. HippoPOTTERmus. Pottermus.
Frankly it’s that glorious level of punnery alone that should win you titles. Perhaps that’s why they’re favourites to win the Championship.
Time to get back to the grind in WoW.
(with a little more Civ woven in of course, I mean the expansion is next month, and oh god Dynasty Warriors 9 is out soon too)
Fings Wot I Want
- A void elf, but that apparently involves getting the last Legion reputation to exalted, and ugh Mac’Aree sucks.
- That snazzy mage tower appearance for Affliction, but that involves getting a specific legendary and the game seems to want to give me anything BUT that legendary. Even going so far as to not give me ANY affliction-specific legendaries at all, let alone the one I want.
- To kill Argus the Whateverthefrig on Heroic, but then that’s going to happen sooner or later, we’re making good progress through Antorus the Uncomfortable Seat.
- To get Affliction to 75. I’m at 73. This is probably the easiest to do, maybe I should get right on that?
The Celts in Civ VIwait that’s not WoW-related!
- Though while I’m on the subject of Civ VI, another African or South American civ would be lovely too.
- The enthusiasm to level my horde character to come back. She’s level 60, and she’s stalled. Though I’ve been playing the game as a whole less recently, due to a random Civ renaissance in my life.
- MORE WARLOCKS.
Fings Wot I Don’t Want
- I… I just… Look, Eonar is an atrocious fight and I hope to hell Blizz never do anything like that again.
- Norgannon’s Foresight.
Another East Asian/European civ, bar Georgia I guess. Give us some underrepresented areas!Wait that’s not WoW-related!
- To be stuck at 3-set the whole bloody tier.
- Like, just in general Malfurion, he’s awful.
7.3 is set in Argus, but who gives a crap about that? That’s decades away, or it may as well be. What’s going on NOW?
Tomb of Sargeras
This is a pretty damn fun instance. Okay sure there are boring fights (HI GOROTH, HARJATAN) and this tier seems to be the tier of “everyone stack to split the damage of something” (HI HARJATAN, DESOLATE HOST, MOON SISTERS, MISTRESS SASSZ’INE, MAIDEN OF VIGILANCE, KIL’JAEDEN, gosh this is a prevalent theme) but it’s still really good. Desolate Host on Heroic is a weird clusterfuck and I don’t know what’s going on even though I’ve read guides and watched videos. It’s just… what the what? Also when I do my opening burst AoE right at the start of the fight I have a frightening tendency to get briefly targeted by the boss and instakilled. Huzzah.
5/9 HC so far. Mistress Snakebitch can do one.
I’m slowly gearing up my Warlock so she can perform a coup on my Shaman and become my main again. It’s honestly stunning how a simple change as “bringing back the Burning Embers mechanic” made me fall in love with Destruction again. Shokei is item level 900, with the Destro artifact’s Concordance of the Legionfall, and she’s as skimpy as ever. I think I might sort out Demonology’s artifact next, considering it too is a fun spec. Gotta hear what Thal’kiel thinks of all the fancy places we go to!
Just know that when the day comes that Pandaren can become Warlocks, I am race changing the SHIT outta Shokei. PANDAREN FOR LIFE.
Having recently got some fantastic Destro legendaries (Feretory of Souls, Lessons of Space-Time) I feel pretty comfortable with my Warlock again. It’s a good place to be in.
WORLD QUESTS FOREVER
So many. So numerous. Never-ending. You’d think the inhabitants would be able to sort their own shit out by now but apparently not. It must be me killing the dinosaur-bird-things, or fetching materials, or playing barrel games with the Kirin Tor who REALLY have better things to be doing, honestly.
Of course all my characters look fantasWHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE?!
Anyway Final Fantasy XV has been released FINALLY, it’s the 30th anniversary of the series next year (or of XV’s announcement ohoho) and I figured I’d do a brief look at that perennial figure within Final Fantasy games; Cid.
Note that I’m only going to include the main numbered series, plus side games I’ve actually played!
THERE WILL PROBABLY BE SPOILERS FOR GAMES THAT AREN’T XV.
Final Fantasy I
Interestingly Cid originally didn’t appear in the first FF game, but subsequent rereleases of the game added in dialogue making mention of a Cid that was the inventor of the airship, a theme common to a lot of the Cids we see! The addition of Cid into FFI was probably the result of Square wanting a Cid in every game, so they had to chuck one in here.
Final Fantasy II
Originally a knight, this Cid jacked it all in to be a glorified taxi man, charging people for transport on his airship and using the money to maintain it. Dies when Emperor Fabulous throws a cyclone his way, but not before he gives the hero the airship! What a nice guy.
Final Fantasy III
Cid Haze is, shock horror, a creator of airships, and turns your regular old sailing boat into a soaring airship for you because that’s totally a thing that can happen easily. He also joins your party briefly and is summarily useless with a basic Fire spell, but he does like to twat things with a hammer occasionally too.
His wife gets sick when he’s with you, but she gets better.
Final Fantasy IV
Cid Pollendina is, GUESS WHAT?! Yes, an airship designer! He rebels, he’s imprisoned, you free him, he joins you. Likes to hit people with spanners, but then who doesn’t?
When Cecil and Rosa get married, he’s the best man, because let’s be honest he IS.
Final Fantasy V
Cid Previa is an
airship engineer who helps you out by building a ship for you that requires neither magical crystals OR the wind to use. The fire-powered ship!
So like an airship engineer but in water. Okay. Of course when you DO find an airship, he’s the one that activates it because all Cids like to play around with unfathomable vehicles.
Final Fantasy VI
Cid Del Norte Marquez invented Magitek things in this game. He rips magic out of espers and plonks it into machines and people. What a nice man. He’s the one who made Kefka the insane murderclown we all know and love. He ends up helping you out, and tries to help Setzer rebuild his airship. Cid’s advice falls on deaf ears though because Setzer (rightly so!) doesn’t want to remove his casino.
Dies if you feed him shitty fish, so watch out for that.
Final Fantasy VII
Cid Highwind is a
prick mechanic and wants to be the first man in space. He blames his wife for his first failed launch attempt, and is pretty damn keen to express that at any interval. She was doing a safety check as she wasn’t confident in the rocket, and he didn’t want to kill her in the takeoff.
Oh hey, turns out his wife was right about those safety checks, ’cause an oxygen tank exploded and damn near killed Cid. He mellows out a little after that.
Final Fantasy VIII
Robin Williams Cid Kramer is your headmaster the husband of a sorceress. No engineer here, though he does reveal to you that your school is capable of flying around so he fulfils that traditional Cid role of throwing airships at people.
Used to run an orphange with his wife until he needed to train children to kill her.
FFVIII is a complicated game.
Final Fantasy IX
Cid Fabool IX is
a philanderer the ruler of Lindblum that got turned into an insect, then later a frog, after his wife discovered an affair he had. Plans the kidnap scheme at the start of the game, kicking the events of FFIX into motion.
Designs airships even as an insect. Also retains that ludicrous moustache.
Final Fantasy X
Cid *mumbles* is Rikku’s dad and is therefore awesome. He leads the Al Bhed, he captains an airship, he dug said airship OUT THE OCEAN, and much like any old man, is a bit of a traditionalist, which is why he ends up falling out with his kids.
Ends up turning some sacred ruins into a tourist trap, as you do.
Final Fantasy XI
Cid *something* has bare shoulders and muscly arms. I’ve not played FFXI but he’s already become Best Cid. Engineer and inventor, of course.
Final Fantasy XII
Cidolfus Demen Bunansa is the first Cid you actually get to beat the shit out of! Airship creator, yadda yadda, he also comes across a bit mad, babbling about gods and whatnot. Turns out he wants to wrest control of mankind’s destiny out of the hands of the gods and into ours.
Oh and also become a god himself, as you do. Overthrow the gods, but then take their place. Bad boy.
Final Fantasy XIII
Cid Raines is another Cid who wants to return control of fate to humanity from the gods! Also not an engineer, but a military commander! Stationed on an airship though so I guess he can’t shed that part of his fate.
Easily the youngest, probably the most typically handsome, and he’s another you get to kill! Yay him.
Final Fantasy XIV
Cid nan Garlond is the leader of a group of engineers who don’t like The Evil Empire and supports the player character in their fight against them. Yes, he makes airships, but more importantly he gives you your own suit of Magitek Armor!
He apparently uses a gunblade when in a fight. Stole that from Squall, I bet.
Final Fantasy XV
Cid Sophiar is from Final Fantasy XV and NO SPOILERS ‘CAUSE I’VE NOT PLAYED IT YET.
Sure LOOKS like a mechanic. Probably made the boybands’ car. Also ancient.
Final Fantasy Tactics
Ah, the BEST Final Fantasy game. Cidolfus Orlandeau, commander of the Order of the Southern Sky, and probably THE game breaker of the whole series. Seriously, he pretty much trivialises most fights he participates in. Probably a good job you get him really late into the game.
Fakes his death with Delita’s help so he can sneak off and join Ramza defeat a bunch of demons. Delita framed Orlandeau for the death of Goltanna, a death Delita himself performed. History is dictated by the victors.
Final Fantasy Tactics Advance
Cid Randell doesn’t make airships in this one. Cid in this one is the awesomely titled JUDGEMASTER. He enforces the law. HE IS THE LAW.
Judges in this game are annoying. Oh sure, ban all the things my units are good at.
Final Fantasy Tactics A2: Grimoire of the Rift
Cid *mumble* is the leader of Clan Whatever You Call It and is our first (only?) non-human Cid!
He’s a nice guy. That’s about it.
Final Fantasy Brave Exvius
Cid is not a person in this game, but a title bestowed upon the greatest engineer in all of Lapis. The girl pictured above is called Lid, and she aspires to be the next Cid. She has an almost aggressive love of money, and a bit of a grudge against her brother who DID get the title of Cid.
Her Halloween unit variant is one of the best 5* attackers in the game. Hoo boy Hex Strike is awesome.
Confirmed to be set in the same Ivalice as Final Fantasies XII and Tactics, Vagrant Story doesn’t have a Cid per se, but it DOES have a Sydney!
Levitatin’, dragon summonin’, teleportin’, functionally immortal, even being shot right in the heart with a crossbow or having his fake limbs cut off barely stop him (though in the case of the latter he just slaps them back on). He’s one of the antagonists of the game, leader of a cult that preaches about the END OF THE WORRRRRLD.
He carries the Blood Sin tattoo, which is apparently key to mastering the dark magics of Lea Monde. It was passed to him by his father to save his life after an unknown, near-fatal accident. If one dies, the other dies with him.
In trying to give the powers of the dark to either his brother or the main character (something about ending the curse, finding a person who “doesn’t desire power” because they tend to not misuse the power they DO get), he ends up being attacked by Romeo Guildenstern, and having the Blood Sin ripped literally off his back. Painful.
It’s official because I say so.
Let’s start with the (un)lucky losers.
Like, you’re cool and all but I just can’t with the sniffing and the opening area. I don’t WANT to do Gilneas. You can’t make me!
I can’t even include a picture of one because I just can’t DO Gilneas, it makes me want to scream, so here’s a dog instead.
12) NIGHT ELF
Let’s be honest here, Malfurion’s really holding you back here. He’s such an endpiece, you need to get rid.
I’m human. You’re (I assume?) human too. Human’s like the most BORING choice anyone could make. Who’d even make their main one anyway? Oh wait
Frankly I think we’re all sick of them by now. BRING ON THE DEMONS.
Comedically large shoulders though, so that saves them from oblivion.
We’re all waiting on the inevitable Troll raid in Legion. I mean we went a whole expansion with nary a Trollish hand raised against us! Blasphemy!
So we get to some difficult decisions now, and Gnomes get the short end of the stick.
Get it? SHORT end? SHORT end?
Owners of some of the most rad hairstyles in the game, but with a disappointing habit of having bones appear through everything. Even plate for some reason.
COW PEOPLE. MOO!
They also have comedically large shoulders, and are all peace & love!
Tentacled space goats with booty.
Yes, even the men.
They may be locked into their start experience just like the Worgen, but the difference is that the Goblin start area is actually FUN, and that’s what’s important, kids.
3) BLOOD ELVES
The men aren’t the size of houses and are voiced by Liquid Snake. The ladies all give better sassface than even Gnomes.
Plus that casting animation:
It’s like he’s saying “BITCH I’M AMAZING, CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY THAT I AM THE LAST THING YOU’LL EVER SEE.”
Poundshopwig and his resplendent beard have really made me fall in love with the diminutive Dwarven race! Being able to turn into stone every so often is pretty damn cool too.
But that beard. THAT BEARD. It demands respect and inspires fear. I envy the lushness and fullness, when all I can grow are smoky wisps of nothing. He oils it every day so that it may inspire all who come into contact with it.
Like you’re shocked by this. Really.
I mean have we met?
Pandaren are the BOMB, yo.