Category Archives: Non-WoW


Back when I was in school, I studied GCSE sociology, and when I went to college I studied it for A Level too. The study of society seemed like an interesting topic, moreso than the other options I had back then (so interesting were these other options, I don’t even remember them). Of course, there is a bit of a stigma with studying something like sociology, namely the “you didn’t want to study anything USEFUL?” one, which actually led to one of the biggest regrets of my life, when I chose to study accounting and economics at university (“they’ll be more useful in the future!”) rather than sociology, which I actually ENJOYED.

Anyway, this wasn’t to bitch about poor life choices, I have a story for you all. Gather round, children, and let me regale you with the tale of the fire-breathing horse of capitalism!

One of the topics we studied was the Marxist perspective of various aspects of society, and we were split into groups and tasked with making a poster about what the Marxist perspective of the education system was. Naturally, the other groups basically made a wall of text split into bullet points about various aspects of the Marxist ideology. My group?

We went high concept. We went ARTY.

We drew a building representing a school but resembling a factory, with humans going in one side and emerging as robots, who then filed into other factories to be put to work, representing the proletariat. We had this idea that schools taught them WHAT to think rather than HOW, reprogramming the proletariat into mindless drones (there are other methods Marxists identify that exert ideological control, usually involving the media or religion). This “product line” was overseen by an evil businessman with a briefcase and a large whip, representing the bourgeois. Any person that deviated from the lines filing into or out of the factories were set upon by a fearsome winged horse that breathed fire for some reason, the FIRE-BREATHING HORSE OF CAPITALISM. I guess it represents the police? Or some other force the bourgeois use to crush any sort of rebellious uprising.

Had we had more time, we’d probably have created a group underground of escapees, representing some burgeoning revolution, but sadly we only had half an hour and we spent a lot of that making the horse look fucking amazing.

Now, I know it all sounds OTT, but truth was, we just wanted to draw a winged fiery horse, and had to come up with a hasty justification for it. I think we were pretty successful.


Stuff I Does Be Playings

Legion is in full swing, 7.1 is out ALREADY, there’s a new raid coming next week, and all is looking rosy.

But there are other games in the world, other things to play and other worlds to experience, so let’s have a look at those!

Street Fighter V

I’m not playing online much with this game yet, instead I’m primarily playing against the boyfriend and his plethora of favourites. He favours Laura, Karin and Nash, relatively fragile but speedy and strong characters, whereas I am currently favouring Rainbow Mika, Urien and Cammy. Mika is all about getting you in the corner and making you guess her next move. Guess wrong and she’s gonna murder you. Urien’s all about those heavy hits and Aegis Reflector setups, as well as being fabulous in a thong. Cammy is more like the bf’s characters in that she’s fast and packs a hefty punch, but can’t take too many hits due to her low health.


99% of the reason I play as Urien is because if you hold 3 specific buttons as the fight loads, he starts the match by BURNING ALL HIS CLOTHES OFF. Why would you NOT play as him?!

King of Fighters XIV

Another fighting game, this time by SNK, KoF14 features considerably more playable characters than SFV and thus it was initially difficult to choose a favourite.

But then I played as Hein.


The fabulous German butler of Geese Howard (yes, he’s alive again somehow) who seemingly has the power to create hugely powerful gravitational fields, and is prone to a bit of posing, and we all know Panda Steve loves posing.

The combo system is a lot more complex in KoF14 (though simpler than previous games in the series) and a lot of characters have rather daunting commands (I struggle particularly with double half-circles so much), but at least they removed Geese Howard’s infamous “pretzel” command for his Raging Storm.


He’s also delightfully Engrishy and loves to counterattack every damn move you ever do, same as he’s always been. PREDICTABO!


Civilization 6

In the two weeks it has been out, I’ve sunk 32 hours into this game, and do bear in mind I’ve not only raided Emerald Nightmare a few times, but I was on holiday in Newquay for about a week, so that cut my potential playtime down a bit.

Put short, this game is FANTASTIC. I’ve not worked out all the little quirks yet with districts and whatnot but I’m slowly getting used to them, and the wanton aggressiveness and flip-floppy nature of the AI is still entertaining to me (though to be fair it always has been, it makes shit INTERESTING!). You’ll be pleased to know Gandhi is still an absolute wanknoodle who shouldn’t be trusted as far as you can SPIT him, let alone throw him.

I’ve enjoyed playing as Japan and China. I’ve always tended to gravitate towards the Asian civs in these games (Korea, Arabia and China in V for instance) for some reason, but we can probably add Rome to the “Steve Likes Playing As” table too, if only because it means I’m not up against him.

Rome is terrifying.

But you know who isn’t?

Panda Steve’s Current Pokemon Y Team

I am progressing slowly but surely in Pokemon Y. I’ve just got my 4th badge, I’ve got a Lucario that I threw in the PC as soon as I could, and I have not got enough fabulous clothes for my character to wear. Important things, yes?

Current Team


Sitting pretty at level 34, Lapras pretty much single-handedly demolished the 4th gym thanks to her Ice Beam move. Apparently of a Docile nature, though she seemed anything BUT docile when she cut an icy swathe through whatever is in front of her.


Doublade is level 39, and his obscenely high attack stat and good movepool so far means he’s probably got something that can knock you down, even if he’s not getting STAB.

Speaking of STAB, despite him being a boy I called him Stabitha.



Deino is level 42. I got him from a Wonder Trade for a Wurmple to my great (lack of) shame. He was a little level 1 powerhouse with Earth Power and Dragon Pulse! Goddamn this line of dragons evolves late.


There are a criminal lack of Golett gifs. Anyway, Tetsujin here is level 30 and a recent addition to the team.



Pangoro is a pokemon that will be in every team I make, because to exclude him would be to invite terrible misfortune upon myself. I mean damn, look how he just throws Meowth like he’s NOTHING.

Penelope the Pangoro is level 37 and likes punching.


At the moment I don’t have a 6th. Ideally I want a Fairy type, and it’s a toss-up between these two, though it looks like Clefairy is winning.

… Damn they’re fighting like Peggy and Pat in Eastenders.

“YOU BITCH!” *slap*
“YOU COW!” *slap*

I’ve put a level 1 Spiritomb up on the GTS for a level 1-10 Clefairy. You know you wanna.


A running joke the boyfriend has with me is that he seems to think that I have some sort of… “fetish” (not necessarily sexual though!) for people with eyepatches. Like, yesterday I went on a website that had concept art for one of my favourite Street Fighter 4 characters, Juri. It features her new look for Street Fighter V and OH MY:juri

IS THAT AN EYEPATCH?! Well hot damn I’m totally playing as HER when she’s made available!

It’s not just her. Sagat from the same series has long been cyclopean, having lost his eye to Dan’s father, Go Hibiki, back before Street Fighter 1 even happened:


He’s also an impossibly badass Muay Thai fighter, and I love to play as him!

Carrying on with the fighting game theme, from Samurai Shodown (and also from historical feudal Japan) comes Yagyu Jubei:


Two swords, eyepatch, a handsome older gentleman… and capable of killing you DEAD in the blink of an eye.

Just the one, mind.

Hailing from the same period of time but a different game (Samurai Warriors by Koei, and Sengoku Basara by Capcom) comes Date Masamune, the one-eyed dragon!

LEFT: Samurai Warriors; RIGHT: Sengoku Basara

LEFT: Samurai Warriors; RIGHT: Sengoku Basara

I’M SORRY IS THIS BADASS HOLDING SIX SWORDS SIMULTANEOUSLY? Why yes he is, because he’s yet another eyepatch-toting badass no matter WHAT game he appears in!

I can’t mention Koei without hovering over to Dynasty Warriors, where we have Xiahou Dun:


He, much like Jubei and Masamune above, also is based on a real eyepatched badass from the Three Kingdoms era of ancient China. He was shot in the eye by Cao Xing, and rather than lay down and gently die as most of us would, he ripped out the arrow with the eye attached, ATE it, hunted down Cao Xing and killed him. He didn’t retire from battle after that either.

And there’s more! So many more characters with eyepatches that I end up loving:

Iron Bull!






General Beatrix!


I mean dammit, a number of my WoW characters have eyepatches or blindfolds too:




It’s just a crazy coincidence, honest.


A Venture into the Ruins: A Darkest Dungeon Boss Fight


Today, I am going to play some Darkest Dungeon, and I think I may share my experience with you, at least for one dungeon. Why? Well, it’s partly an opportunity to show off a really cool game, and partly because I may do Let’s Plays of games in the future, and why not start now?

Say hello to our adventuring party:


Reynauld is a Crusader. He’s one of the characters you start the game with, and mine for some annoying reason is a Kleptomaniac, which means he just can’t resist auto-opening boxes of loot and keeping it all for himself.

Such actions end up hurting him more often than not, given that a lot of the locks he tries to bust are booby-trapped. Silly Reynauld.


Mont-Canisi is our Plague Doctor, and plague he certainly specialises in, as I give him abilities to poison and stun his opponents, forgoing any party support abilities altogether. He refuses to visit anywhere in town but the brothel to relieve his stress, and he has a hatred of the eldritch.

Everything here is eldritch, in some form or another.


Ah, Peche. As our resident Bounty Hunter, I’ve given him the abilities that allow him to mark a target for massive damage, as well as end up inflicting that massive damage. He also shows a fondness for bleeding his enemies out, and stunning them.

He hates unholy enemies. This means zombies. We’re going into a dungeon full of them. Poor Peche.


Quincey is our healer, a Vestal. She’s prone to bleeding, but with the meat shields in front of her, she should be fine, right?


We’re heading into the ruins to kill a Necromancer Apprentice, and I’ve decided to play it very safe with supplies, by bringing a lot of food and torches. I’ve brought a couple of keys and holy waters too, because they can always come in handy when faced with locked boxes and unholy shrines.


A devil walks these halls. Only the mad or the desperate go in search of him.

Our journey starts with a bang. Quincey manages to dodge a trap that none of us saw coming, and reading from a book has a profound effect on her…


It instills in her a hatred of mankind, which hopefully only extends to her enemies, as it increases her damage to humans by 15%!

Battle #1, a couple of Bone Rabbles, and a Bone Arbalist. The latter is capable of most damage, so we’d do well to stop him in his tracks.


Mont-Canisi’s Blinding Gas stuns the Arbalist, which is fortunate as he would have taken a turn straight after. Instead, he is forced to skip! But we can’t keep him stunned forever, we need to bring him into the forefront…

Peche Marks him, which makes him take more damage from certain attacks:


We need to go on the offensive, and Reynauld delivers!


His Zealous Accusation destroys the enemy’s front line, and Peche finishes off the Arbalist in a single blow. 875 gold is our easily-earned reward. Where do the skeletons keep it?

Quincey throws some holy water on an urn, dissolving the ashes within and revealing treasure! 2 lumps of jade, a ruby, and citrine! Spoils!


Darkest Dungeon has a lighting system. The darker you allow it to become, the more stress your party members take, the more damage your enemies will do, but the more rewards you receive, and the more likely you are to inflict a critical hit.

Stress accumulates passively as you go through a dungeon, because walking these dank, ruined halls and encountering fearsome monsters strains the mind as much as it may strain the body. Getting hit with criticals also raises it, as do certain enemy attacks. Stress is mainly recovered via facilities in town, or via camping, but some characters can reduce their (or their friend’s!) stress through abilities in battle, and by scoring critical hits.

When your stress reaches max, your resolve gets tested and you either come out with powerful buffs, or severe debuffs, as well as increasing the stress of your other members. Once things start to go wrong, they tend to spiral.


Speaking of enemies increasing stress, the Bone Courtiers in this battle (the 2 bringing up the rear of this enemy party) are possibly the most effective at raising it. Their Tempting Goblet attack raises your stress by a large amount, and thus letting them live too long is something you do not want happening. They can only use this attack from the rear ranks, however, so by killing what’s in front of them or yanking them forward will stop them throwing drink on you. I opt for the former method, and finishing them off proves easy.


May as well keep our health topped off while we’re here!

Remind yourself that overconfidence is a slow and insidious killer


Battle 3 sees us against another Courtier and Arbalist, as well as a Defender and a Soldier. The two front-ranked enemies both have a stat called “Prot” which reduces the damage you deal to them by that percentage. The Defender’s Prot is 25%, and the Soldier behind him 15%. Blights and Bleeds are the way to go with these two, except skeletons don’t bleed…


Vestals are great healers, but they also have attacking utility. Her Dazzling Light ability here not only inflicts a bit of damage, but also stuns AND increases the level of light! A most useful attack, and a very worthy action if healing is not necessary this turn.


Mont-Canisi’s bread and butter is Blight attacks. They deal low initial damage, but inflict a powerful poison on the target too, which often proves to be the killing blow of an enemy.


The Necromancer Apprentice here is a different kettle of fish. Whenever he attacks, he also summons a skeletal minion in front of him, and the further back he goes, the less likely you are to be able to hit him.

We’re not gonna let that happen.


Stunning him looks unlikely, but those are some rather low bleed and blight resistances… Mont-Canisi and Peche can certainly take advantage of those! We also see that he’s Unholy, and Reynauld’s Smite ability deals extra damage to Unholy types…


The Necromancer’s first turn is an ability called The Flesh is Willing, which hit the front 2 characters for respectable damage and summoned a Bone Soldier to the field. Mont-Canisi casts a Noxious Blast at the Necromancer to blight him, and Peche scores a critical hit!

Damaging debuffs are stackable in Darkest Dungeon, so Mont-Canisi casts another Noxious Blast, and when it’s the Necromancer’s turn, he takes 8 damage instead of 4! If he was in a position where Peche could Bleed him, he’d be taking serious damage every turn!


The Necromancer’s pumping out some respectable damage, though, and we need to keep an eye on our health. Hits like that, the Vestal can’t recover in 1 go.


On top of that, he has his Six Feet Under spell which does no health damage, but hits your stress levels like a truck!

Even reanimated bones can fall. Even the dead can die again.


Stacking those DoTs and fierce attacking won the day here, however. Quincey and Mont-Canisi’s stress levels, while not maxed, are rather high, so they may have to sit out the next dungeon.

When you complete a quest, you get gold, trinkets and heirlooms to upgrade your base with (my Occultist will LOVE this trinket, I think):


Your victorious heroes don’t come out unchanged either. They have a chance to develop traits thanks to their time in these dank, unforgiving halls. They may pick up undesirable habits, diseases, or even come out as better men and women for their experience!


Reynauld now recovers stress easier, but contracted a disease that makes him slower. Mont-Canisi picked up a trait that gives him 10% damage reduction!

A successful venture, but now it’s time for our heroes to rest.

Zangief, Красный Циклон

I’m writing this while waiting for things to spawn in World of Warcraft (both rares AND news, ho ho ho), but if you follow me on Twitter, you’ve probably noticed me being obsessed with Zangief from Street Fighter the past few days. Well, Zangief, and JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure, which I’ve been watching recently. I figured I’d do a post dedicated to his glory!


Zangief first appeared in Street Fighter 2, and of course represents Russia, or the Soviet Union as it was back then. His primary aim is to fight for the glory of Mother Russia! He’s fearless, he’s proud of his magnificent muscles, he’s tactically astute in a fight (contrary to his appearance as a muscle-bound brute), but also contrary to his appearance (I mean, look at that picture above!) he’s good-humoured and rather gentle in nature. His story in Street Fighter 4 was all about him trying to win the admiration of his young fans who were starting to think he (and wrestling itself!) couldn’t stand up against other forms of martial arts!


His initial concept wasn’t too far from what he ended up becoming, though he had a different name (Vodka Gobalsky), a tattoo, and black vest-top. He kept the scars, the muscles, the facial hair and the mohawk, and his name was changed to be a reference to Victor Zangiev, a Russian wrestler who primarily wrestled in Japan.

It was rumoured that Zangief was gay, as his Street Fighter II profile claimed he dislikes “beautiful young women,” and in IV he refers to Akuma as “kinda cute,” (like a pug apparently) but nothing has ever been officially stated on this. It could just be that he prefers older women, and perhaps “cute” was a mistranslation of some sort.

Either way, whether he is or he isn’t, he’s rather popular with a section of gay fans due to his appearance as a “bear,” i.e. masculine, hairy and large (either muscular or fat!). Personally, I kinda think it’d be cool if he was as here we have a powerful, confident, utterly MANLY character that would help to dispel the stereotype of gay people being feminine and passive. Even if he’s NOT, it won’t stop me liking him. He fits firmly into the sphere of “men I think are fuckin’ HOT” after all, but it’s not just aesthetics that makes him appeal to me. It’s how he plays too.

Everything is better with spinning.

Zangief is the archetypal “grappler” character. His effective range is “in your damn face” and if he’s outside that range, he will be doing his damnedest to get in it. He hits like a truck, but he takes effort to be able to do so and “zoning” characters (those that use projectiles and long-ranged normal/special attacks to keep opponents at a distance they are not effective at) have the easiest time against him.

That being said, he does have tools to deal with them. His Spinning Lariat moves let projectiles pass through him, his Banishing Flat when timed right can absorb projectiles, and his EX Flying Power Bomb can absorb a single hit. He’s all about timing your advance then destroying your opponents when you get close. His command throws have no startup, meaning if you’re in range and grounded/not otherwise throw invincible when he performs them, you’re gonna be eating a LOT of damage, and as you see in the video above, you’re not even safe in the air.


So there we go. He’s strong, he’s hot, he’s damn bloody effective, he’s patriotic and he cares for his fans, and I am extremely excited that I get to carry on playing as him when Street Fighter V comes out next year.

Quadruple Game Action Woo

Metal Gear Solid V

We’re not Diamond Dogs anymore. We’re Pink Octopus.

And Snake’s having a rest, and I’ve replaced him with Frantic Wolf, a prisoner I rescued a while back. Badass lady!


MGSV is a remarkable game. It’s light on the nonsensical story, which is usually half the reason to buy a Metal Gear Solid game in the first place, but it instead gives you these gigantic sandboxes to wreak havoc in. My favourite tactic is to go in sneaky with my tranquilizer pistol, then if things get hairy? Silenced assault rifle and a rocket launcher. Boom.

Things tend to get hairy now that the enemies seem to all be wearing helmets. Bastards.

I love games that are open world. Skyrim, Oblivion, Fallout, World of Warcraft, Final Fantasy XIV, GTA and now MGS. There are some aspects of the game I’m not a huge fan of (Quiet’s an AWESOME character, but her skimpiness and the loose, silly reason for it are a bit of an err, especially when you unlock an outfit for her that COVERS HER UP. Kojima, just admit you wanted sexy T&A, it’s fine, we’ve had the cameras rolling over Snake’s sculpted ass for years and it was fine then), but the game as a whole is just an abolute masterpiece.

And I’m only 14% done, what the actual frig.


Street Fighter V


I’m very excited for R. Mika. She was one of my favourites from Alpha 3, and her return is a massive source of happiness for me.

One of my other favourites has been announced today too, Karin!


She’s looking grown up! She looks all business like, and of course the OHOHOHO laugh is back. Her older appearance gives me hope that we’ll see a Sakura who’s dressed appropriately for her age (i.e. not in school uniform. Unless her story is that she’s abominably stupid and has been held back until her mid 20’s?), and means the game itself is slightly less of a sausage-fest.

Not that I’m opposed to sausage-fests, per se, but I do like badass ladies in my fighting games too.

World of Warcraft

Any Legion news yet? Nope? Okay then.

I get that they’re probably waiting for Blizzcon, but leaving 3 months between the reveal and follow-up information risks people just not caring when the news actually DOES roll in.

I’m dangerously close to that precipice. I have MGSV, FFXIV and various other games to play, Disgaea 5 and Street Fighter V to look forward to. I don’t foresee me doing much in WoW bar Thursday raiding for the foreseeable, and having nothing to look forward to bar minimal details from Gamescom (that may not even feature in Legion, let’s be honest, because it’s sometimes easy to confuse ambition with ability; just look at how garrisons turned out, look at the lack of Path of the Titans, dance studio, or even the Abyssal Maw instance which would have resolved the Neptulon storyline) isn’t giving me much hope.


I still love my Pandaren though. They are amazing. They may be the only thing keeping me there, frankly.

Final Fantasy XIV

I’ve hit level 46, I have no more storyline quests until I hit level 49, so I’d better bugger off and grind some levequests and FATEs.


Got me some ninja-specific gear though, so that’s nice.


Dragon Girls, Ninjitsu and Multiclassing: Why I’m Loving FFXIV


What have I been doing recently? Why, levelling Ikralla Adnap in Final Fantasy XIV, of course! She finally hit level 30 in Rogue, and I immediately set about getting the Ninja job unlocked.

It’s an interesting character concept. You have 3 core abilities called Mudras, special ninja hand signs, and you use these in various combinations to make attacks happen. The Mudras are Ten (the first one you get), Chi and Jin, and a 4th ability called Ninjitsu is what you activate to unleash the attack.

Using 1 mudra on its own sees you throw a massive shuriken, using Chi then Ten makes an enemy explode and deal fire damage to it and enemies around it, Chi > Jin > Ten increases your attack speed, and so on and so forth. Mess up a combination? You temporarily wear a bunny hat so everyone can laugh at you.




I like this about FFXIV. It has interesting class mechanics (at least, Ninjas do. Not played with other classes much yet). Rogues do too, in that they have certain attacks do double damage when executed after other specific attacks. You use Spinning Edge, which doubles the damage of Shadow Fang or Gust Slash, the latter of which also doubles the damage of Dancing Edge (which does even MORE damage when you attack an enemy’s flank) or Aeolian Edge (which deals further damage when you use it behind your enemy). Rogues are about positioning, or at least about knowing how your ENEMY is positioned, and using the appropriate attacks.


Also, my character is not a cat girl anymore, but a dragon girl! The Au Ra race were introduced with the Heavensward expansion, and I used the Fantasia potion I receieved for being subbed a certain amount of time on changing her! No regrets. Never looked back.

Dragons are fuckin’ RAD.

That girl on the right is an NPC called V’Kebbe, and she’s pretty cool herself.


I will one day be clad in the most garishly-coloured armour I can find, but until then, she’s wearing unflattering greens and manky browns.

Another concept I like about FFXIV is that 1 character can be every class. I levelled Ikralla initially as a Pugilist, then switched to Rogue when the opportunity arose. She’s currently sitting in Limsa Lominsa as a Culinarian, a non-combat class that creates buff foods, but I can switch to a gathering class, magic class, a combat class or another crafting class merely by going to their “guild” location, completing a quest, then equipping that class’s weapon!

There’s a benefit to levelling like this too. Some abilities are marked as being cross-class ones, meaning that you can use that as ANY class. When she was fighting as a Rogue, I can’t even begin to fathom how many battles I might have lost without the Pugilist healing ability.


Anyway, enough gushing. Here’s a Cactuar from Final Fantasy 8. Have a nice day, kids.


I have the most terrible affliction.

Whenever I play my Gladiator Warrior, I have the old UK Gladiators theme in my head the whole time.

Oh gosh, do you even remember that? It was my favourite TV show! Every Saturday, my parents and I would go to Salisbury. We’d do general looking around, and one of the things we’d always do was go to the market and get a bag of sweets for me. I always had a bag full of sugary candy letters for some reason. I didn’t make words with them or anything, and there were nicer sweeties at the market stand, but I just gravitated to letters.

I’d eat them while we were watching Gladiators. Every Saturday, without fail. I remember Lightning  being really good at Hang Tough, Shadow being fuckin’ unbeatable at Duel (the one where people twatted each-other with oversized cotton buds, remember? He once hit a contender so hard he BROKE THE STICK), and Referee John Anderson, the most Scottish-sounding man in the world.

THREE, TWO, ONE, *blows whistle*

And yes, there’s an extended version of the intro theme, because of course there is. Usually it was played at the end of the series, when the winner was crowned.

I always had a bit of a crush on Saracen. He was always so smiley and nice, even when he was smashing people into the ground (figuratively. And probably literally too), thus confirming my overwhelming gayness began at the age of AT LEAST 9 years old.



So yes, just know that whenever I play this character:


I’m thinking of old 90’s television.

Thanks, World of Warcraft.

Final Fantasy 7: Exciting, Terrifying, Reminiscing

Unless you’ve been on the moon the past month or so, you’ll have heard the news of the Final Fantasy 7 remake announced at E3. Built from the ground up, for the current generation. Exciting times? Yes indeed, but also terrifying. Why so?

(naturally spoilers ahead, but are they really spoilers any more?)


I can’t speak for others, but for myself, Final Fantasy 7 was the first game I played that not only wanted you to play it, but also to listen to it, hear the story it wanted to tell you. Up to that point, I was raised on a diet of platformer games of the likes of Sonic, Mario or Crash Bandicoot. Here’s point A, get to point B, collect/kill things on the way, repeat 20 times, each time increasing in difficulty. Occasional boss fight. Very little story involved.

The same was true of the other type of game I played, games like Theme Park, which saw you buy some land, build a theme park, make tons of money and repeat, or lose all your money, go bankrupt and commit suicide.


Not even kidding there. The game over screen shows you jumping out your office window, which is actually pretty damn traumatising to put in a game played by a then 8 year old, but I digress. Final Fantasy 7 was the first time I played a game that had long swathes of time where you didn’t DO anything but read what the characters were saying. This was a foreign idea to me, and I was hooked instantly.

It is by no means the first game to have done this, obviously (I mean, this game alone was the 7th in a SERIES of games like this), nor is it the first game that has emotional moments in it, but it was for me. The obvious player punch is the death of Aerith, at the end of disc 1. A character that we’ve grown attached to, and our sullen hero has grown fond of, snatched away from us by a grey-haired asshat in a douchey longcoat.

Games nowadays feature lots and lots of DLC, microtransactions and the like. Preorder bonuses are announced at the same time as the game itself pretty often (just look at Evolve and the various Batman: Arkham Whatever games). Square-Enix could theoretically, create a DLC that keeps Aerith alive, or brings her back after her death. I imagine there’s a lot of people who’d literally throw money at their screen in order to do that. I’d find it odd, it’s a key moment in the game. It’s a massive cliche moment, sure (“motivated by the death of <a woman>, our <very definitely male> hero vanquishes his foe and gains his revenge” seems to be a very common trope in games, movies, literature, etc), but that doesn’t lessen the impact.

What WOULD lessen the impact would be the ability to just change this major, pivotal moment in the story. The thing people who haven’t even PLAYED Final Fantasy 7 know about. By now, Aerith’s death is so ingrained in the culture of video games, and perhaps pop culture in general. It’s the gaming equivalent of Luke being the son of Darth Vader, of Snape killing Dumbledore, of Soylent Green being people. It was his sled, he was dead all along, he’s a figment of his imagination, Aerith dies.

You can’t just change all that. Wave a magic wand (made of money of course) and make history different. It’d feel wrong, somehow. At least to me.



Final Fantasy 7 is at times a ridiculous game. You can dress up as a woman and be so convincing, despite being Mr Macho Man Hero, that a lecherous old scrote picks you as his lady companion for the night. One of your party members is a cat-wolf-dog-THING, another is a robot cat riding a fat stuffed toy moogle that wields a megaphone as a weapon. Cat-Wolf-Dog-Thing’s grandfather is a weird old man who sits atop a floating ball. Another character, Not Mr T, swears a lot and initially thinks your character is a bit of a dick, but play the game in a specific (correct) way, and make specific (correct) dialogue choices and Mr Macho Man Hero and Not Mr T can go on a “date” in the Gold Saucer. There’s a slap fight on a cannon between a horrid business woman and a trained martial artist, that somehow is an even fight.

Seriously, Tifa should have just roundhoused her off the end, it’d have been a lot simpler.

Final Fantasy 7 is at times an emotional experience. Aforementioned death of Aerith, while her beautiful theme tune plays. The fact it carries through the next boss fight is a constant reminder of what exactly you’re fighting for. Why you fight. Who you fight for. Even though I KNOW it’s coming, it still gets me. Cloud fighting himself to stop HIM killing her, Sephirith descending from the sky, Cloud cradling her in his arms, the music, the materia, the boss fight, everyone’s reaction afterwards (Yuffie’s reaction being somehow the most upsetting of all) the sinking into the water.

Cait Sith’s (initial) sacrifice is another one that gets me. He trips, he falls, he picks himself up, he marches grimly on. “Even I can save the world!” Sure, there’s a replacement Cait Sith that comes along straight after, considering it’s a robot controlled by a man in an office, but it’s still a touching moment, one that still makes me sad.

Red XIII hates his father, Seto. He believes him to be a coward that abandoned Cosmo Canyon, leaving it to be ransacked by the Gi, only to learn that he was rushing to the entrance of a cavern to defend it from invaders. If the Gi had gone through there, Cosmo Canyon would have been destroyed. Instead, Seto saved them all.

I’ve not even mentioned Cid and Shera, Tifa caring for Cloud in his catatonia and learning the truth of his past, the crushing of Sector 7, when Elmyra met Aerith…

I’m worried the remake won’t do these scenes justice. I’m worried that they’ll try and change things. Tetsuya Nomura hinted in an interview that things could be different to how we know them. “If it’s a full remake, then of course, we want to take a different approach. If we actually just upgraded the visuals — there’d be no need for me to direct it.”

It’s the unknown that scares me. I’m excited for the Final Fantasy 7 I know and love coming to a new generation. I’m scared of what might be different. What we gain, but what we may lose in its place.


I spent so many hours of my life breeding chocobos. I wanted the golden chocobo. I wanted to get the Knights of the Round summon, and have a bird that could handily beat Teioh in the Gold Saucer.

Grinding for money to get the right greens and nuts, trying to get a Wonderful chocobo, getting frustrated when a chocobo flees almost as soon as you enter battle…

Then you pick a black chocobo and a wonderful yellow chocobo (you HAD to pick the black one first for some reason, glitch?) and finally getting your reward. The gold chocobo! The world is open to me! I could get to those stupid little islands the Highwind couldn’t land on! Materia galore.

Then you use your Knights of the Round materia, which you  can only get with a gold chocobo, to defeat Ruby Weapon, who drops an item that you can trade for… a gold chocobo.