With the wonderful news that my beloved Bolton won their match (an away match! Against a newly relegated team that are one of the favourites to win the division outright!) against West Brom yesterday came the news that the aforementioned opponents have a new mascot. A boiler.
They also have their other mascot but who the fuck cares because THERE’S A BOILER WITH LEGS RUNNING AROUND WEST BROM GAMES.
And so I looked into the other mascots of the Championship clubs, and then I decided to do this post. The definitive ranking of the mascots of the Championship. Because it’s Sunday and I can. Spoiler alert: there are a lot of cats.
24: Phoenix and Blue, Wigan Athletic
They would have been way higher up had they stuck with Stripey the Laticat:
However recently they changed to these soulless homunculi:
And so at the bottom they languish. I prefer nonhuman mascots as they’re less uncanny valley.
23: Captain Blade, Sheffield United
The whole dislike of the human-esque mascots is why Captain Blade is down here.
Sheffield United are The Blades, so I get the name, but why he’s a pirate I don’t know, considering Sheffield is miles and miles from the sea and thus has no maritime history.
22: Captain Canary, Norwich
He looks morose. That’s not the energy we need at a football match. The perils of a beak!
Definitely would sound like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh.
21: Buzz and Buzzette, Brentford
I don’t know, there’s something… off… about them. Almost like they advertised jam until the 80’s…
I also don’t like the idea of bees with no wings. Let them fly freely, Brentford!
20: Scrumpy the Robin, Bristol City
Scrumpy is not a nice cider and is that a traffic cone on its face?
19: Ozzie Owl, Sheffield Wednesday
I mean if you can’t turn your head all the way around are you even trying?
18: Beau Brummie, Birmingham City
I’ll be honest here, the hugeness of his mouth terrifies me. A slight unhinging and he could eat me whole, and I’d be in his stomach like those weird soft vore pictures.
17: Vinny the Vogue, West Bromwich Albion
They still have their other mascot, Baggie Bird, but let’s be honest this is the one getting the headlines right now. And for good reason, it’s a fucking boiler.
A fucking BOILER.
16: Cyril the Swan, Swansea City
By virtue of a swan’s shape, he’s always gonna be looking downwards. By virtue of always looking downwards, he’s going to look miserable. Kinda fitting as Swansea got dumped out the Premier League last season, and DREADED RIVALS Cardiff went up!
Once got into a fight with Millwall’s mascot, ended up ripping his head off and kicking it around the pitch.
15: Spark the Cat, QPR
Used to be a black cat named Jude, but then they realised black cats were unlucky so they changed to this.
Looks like Bubsy the Bobcat and that’s never a good thing.
14: Rover the Dog, Blackburn Rovers
IS DOG. YAY DOG. PET THE DOG.
13: Hercules the Lion, Aston Villa
Hercules, Roman god, Greek version called Heracles, had a Disney movie made about him.
Looks like he could beat up James Woods, so that’s points in his favour.
12: Roary the Tiger, Hull City
First of two Roarys, Hull’s mascot looks kinda like a tiger version version of Nico from Grand Theft Auto 4.
No? Just me?
11: Roary the Lion, Middlesbrough
Looks genuinely pleased to be here, and I admire the enthusiasm.
10: Lofty the Lion, Bolton Wanderers
My team! You can tell I am not biased because they are not conveniently number one, so you know this is based on COLD HARD FACTS and not emotion.
The most ferocious-looking of the MANY MANY lions that seem to lurk in the Championship, yet also looks like he would stop mauling you to death to let you scritch under his chin. 10/10. would risk death again.
9: Sherwood the Bear, Nottingham Forest
Sherwood! Like Sherwood Forest from Robin Hood! Like the Sheriff of Nottingham! Forest! Bears! Disney!
Looks alarmingly like he’s bombed a boat here. Would have been MUCH lower down in the list if he still had that distressingly long nose the old version had.
8: Zampa the Lion, Millwall
Oh look another lion.
Eyes blue as the sky. A glorious mane. A posture that says “yes, come to me, I certainly shan’t MAUL YOU TO DEATH.”
7: Lucas the Kop Cat, Leeds United
Kop Cat like Top Cat? I don’t know, but he’s the cutest of the big cats. LOOKIT THAT ROUND FACE!
6: Kingsley the Lion, Reading
Look at him FLEX. This is a lion with CONFIDENCE and SWAGGER and a RECENTLY CUT MANE BY THE LOOKS OF IT. Would never set foot in Supercuts.
Only shops at Waitrose for the free coffee that MyWaitrose members get.
5: Deepdale Duck, Preston North End
Now that is a duck that knows he’s got it good.
Cool. Confident. Sophisticated. I bet he’s never even contemplated doing a dab.
4: Bluey McHorse, Ipswich Town
Would definitely trample the opposing team’s mascot beneath his powerful, mighty hooves. Bringing them down on their mangle bodies like Mike Tyson raining punches on his opponent.
Except hooves. On a horse.
3: Miller Bear, Rotherham United
oh, it’s a dab.
2: Rammie the Ram, Derby County
Definitely one of the cutest mascots going. Look at that FACE!
Would also like you to paint him like one of your French girls.
1: Pottermus, Stoke City
Stoke City, known affectionately as The Potters, have a hippo as their mascot. Wait, what?
Stoke. Hippo? Potters… Hippo…
Hippopotamus. HippoPOTTERmus. Pottermus.
Frankly it’s that glorious level of punnery alone that should win you titles. Perhaps that’s why they’re favourites to win the Championship.