Candid Post

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I’m in a bit of a fragile mental state at the moment.

Last night, my grandmother died. Heart attack. Sudden. Instant. Gone.

It’s not the first time a family member has died, but it’s the first time I’ve been old enough to actually comprehend the concept of death.

Both my grandfathers died back in the early 1990’s, and I was really young then. I barely remember. Fast forward 24 years later, and I’m not sure how to react.

Naturally, I’m sad. I loved my grandmother, the fact she’s gone has cut me up. The boyfriend was out at aikido, as he is every Monday evening, so I had to deal on my own until he got home.

I cried. I don’t like doing that in front of people. Not because I subscribe to some macho macho school of masculinity where showing emotion is WEAK AND FOR WOMEN AND GAYS, but because I am an UGLY crier. I look like the Wicked Witch of the West mid-melt. I worry someone’ll drop a house on me.

I went to work. Do people take time off? I didn’t. I figured that keeping busy would take my mind off things. It didn’t work.

I played WoW. That always cheers me up. I couldn’t really focus though. Took some silly screenshots, chatted with my guildies a little, then logged off.

This was one of the pictures. Amused me. The idea of a stealthy panda who can't help but stand in a spotlight.
This was one of the pictures. Amused me. The idea of a stealthy panda who can’t help but stand in a spotlight.

All this is new to me. People die all the time, but I’ve got to 29 without it actually impacting in my life. Maybe I can call that fortunate, maybe it’s screwed me up because I don’t know what to do. Do I dress all in black and sit in a rocking chair? Not my style. Do I carry on as I normally do? Feels almost wrong to do so.

People talk about the Kübler-Ross model a lot. 5 stages of grief that supposedly everyone goes through. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. I feel like I’ve skipped all the way through to stage 4. I didn’t deny anything, I felt no anger, I see no sense in bargaining. Is this normal?  Kübler-Ross herself says not everyone feels all the responses, so hey ho, there you go.

I’m gonna try and carry on as normal, just do what I feel like. If I want to cry, I will, if I want to write depressing, angsty poetry… maybe I’ll hold off on that, there’s enough of that out there already. I’ll game, I’ll walk, I’ll remember, I’ll do as I do.

This is kinda cathartic. A lot of it may not make too much sense, like I’m just randomly rambling, but it’s helping me process. It’s my blog, I post what I like, after all.


6 thoughts on “Candid Post

    Ross (@elepheagle) said:
    July 14, 2015 at 3:02 pm

    Very sorry to hear about your loss. Grieve how you need to grieve, heal how you need to heal.

    Bodhi Rana said:
    July 14, 2015 at 3:18 pm

    You have my sympathies for your loss.

    Fiannor said:
    July 14, 2015 at 3:43 pm

    Speaking as someone who lost most of her immediate family before the age of 15, I will tell you that you will always feel the loss, it never goes away completely. But I also tell you that at some point you will remember her by smiling over her life rather than by crying over her passing. Grief is the bridge between sorrow and cherished memory.

    Pike said:
    July 15, 2015 at 5:08 pm

    I’m really sorry to hear that 😦

    Balkoth said:
    July 18, 2015 at 12:25 pm

    I’m sorry to hear that, hope you get through it as best you can.

    Chestnut Stonebough (@ggchestnut) said:
    July 23, 2015 at 8:42 pm

    I’m so very sorry for your loss. I’ve been in situations myself where I skipped right to the depression bit. So I sometimes question the theory. And you keep posting what you like. Whether it be gaming, or life. ❤

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